Endless Dreams

Dear....

To be very honest, I do not know who you are. I saw you in my dream and much as I can see very clearly your bodily features, somehow I cannot see your face, and memory doesn't allow me to catch much impression of you, so I am apologetic for I am unable to tell who you are. But somehow beyond that, I think I know you, and I know you very, very well.

I saw you last night in my dream. We were on a most beautiful island - scenic, tranquil and above all, it seems that all my wonderful times in my travels seem to connect to this place - the turquoise waters of Maldives, the white sand of Malapascua, the resort which looks very much like the Bali villa, the jetty totally reminiscent of the Borobudur entrance, and the dining hall reminded me of the Bayon Temple within Angkor Thom. So many things, so familiar yet so strange.

I cannot remember what happened, but I remembered a conversation between us and you wanted me to stay on the island with you. You promised me many things, things I would have promised to someone close to my heart if I had as much as you have. The island was yours, the yachts and the resort infrastructures. They were so... familiar. Something which I would have loved entirely. You wanted me to stay with you. I declined. There were too many things waiting for me somewhere out there, in particular, a fantasy. And in fantasies, everything is perfect. Everyone is perfect. Every moment is perfect. So I could not make myself stay with you. I didn't want to.

So you raged. I knew you would. You began to threaten me that if I do not, you will do hurtful things to me. But somehow deep down within me, I just knew they were all empty threats. But I gave in. I told you to let me leave the islands and bid my parents farewell and I shall return before sunset. And you agreed.

So I left the island on a yacht with your 'henchmen'. You were at the jetty biding me farewell and telling me to "come back soon". I forged a smile and left the island. Upon reaching mainland, the first thing I did was to shake off your men and head straight for the airport. There, I saw my folks. I told them to put me on the next flight back... to somewhere. They organized and I was on the plane - Philippines Airlines I remembered. I was in a mixed mode of fear and anxiety. It wasn't before long, the plane took off and I gradually felt safe.

As the plane glided into the skies, I looked down to see the island. And at that instance, my fears dissipated. In exchange, I began to feel you - the sadness, the solitude, the disappointment which enveloped you. There were no angst, no grudge, just a very deep sense of remorse. The island suddenly looked isolated. At one point of time, I have to admit to you, I did start to regret leaving you without farewell. I was afraid but it was no excuse. Whenever we end a chapter in life, we must always have a proper closure. In this instance, I didn't. I left without telling you why.

I rested back and there upon, I woke up from my dream. It was a little disturbing and unsettling even moments after I woke up. It was disheartening because I could still feel the sadness in you, and the greater depth of sadness of waiting aimlessly for my promised return, which will never happen. Somehow you were in thoughts throughout the day. And I just could not figure out who you might possibly be, until...

I was on the treadmill during lunch hour, running in a speed and then, it frowned upon me.

Suddenly, I realized why I knew you so well; why I could see what was before you; why I could see your body, your limbs, your hair but not your face; why I could so empathetically feel you - the angst, the sorrow, the disappointment; and why I could almost anticipate what you would do next, what you would think and why threats were so empty even though words were so harsh. I am so silly. I should have known much earlier.

I only wish I can go back to the island and tell you I am so sorry. I would have not left you if I realized this much earlier, never ever would leave you. But I will still not stay on the island with you. The island will only be beautiful and as captivating as what we saw if we leave it where it should be - that is, in the past where it belongs. And we have to move on in life.

Please take good care of yourself. One day when I am strong enough myself, I will return to the island. And I will bring you to a world I too, am trying to explore. And there, we will find our endless dreams.

Loving you,

... I don't know how to sign off.

But I wish you well, with all my heart.