When You Mix Black WIth White...

雨（记11年12月19日）

2011-12-19T18:00:00.000+08:00

每个城市，都会下雨。每片天空，都有雨的痕迹。每个角落，都有对雨的思念。

我漫步街头，总会仰望天空，期盼雨的来临。晴空万里，烈日当头，总能让我留恋对雨的记忆。“百花齐放争春色，细雨蒙蒙至万家”漫步细雨之中，感到生活真好，一切烦恼都抛之云霄。我任凭雨丝在我的脸上温柔抚魅；无忌它们在我的身上积攒精华甚至瞬间挥发。淋雨真的是一种享受。

昔日，燥热干涸的大地，经过骤雨来袭，满目琳琅的世界，仿佛已经葬身与一片汪洋。“电闪雷鸣天刹起，风雨肆虐度凡尘”窗外，已是黑色弥漫，骤雨犹如万丈瀑布，气势滂沱，俯首飞下，溅起晶莹无暇的水花，瞬间升华。雨滴清脆响声，伴随着雷乐、风箫，仿佛在演奏那黑色浪漫的交响乐，又像在是谱写生命的绚丽徽章。

“秋雨风凉叶飘舞，燕儿南去落谁家”- 年末的雨季，犹如秋意，总是感觉凄凉与悲伤，让人不得不想起自己的往事。年末的雨，总是那么的漫长、那么的悲凉！每当雨夜过后，一切总是寂静而又凄凉，北风吹来，那满脸的忧伤与惆怅，总是在心中徘徊，仿佛在诉说内心的孤寂。

年末的大雨，带来了历年的惆怅，也洗出了来年的希望。雨水带来的水花，早已毫无踪迹。但是暖冬岁月却不时带来惊喜！那晶莹透明的水珠，悄然落下，依偎在那朴实僵硬的泥土上，期待与大地融为一体。寒夜孤寂，它们却凝结成为一块块寒冷至极的冰凌。他们反复的升华、反复的落下，何不是对大地的思念呢？

我对雨有独特的情怀、独特的认知、独特的感受！雨也是有生命和感情的。它也会有无私和无奈，寂寞、惆怅与开心、开怀，只不过是它不能言语罢了。我对雨的情怀永远不改变，骤然是狂风肆虐、暴雨淋漓，甚至是天大的灾难。我依始如故。也许会被人称做固执，甚至癫狂。但是这对我而言，是对雨的一种情怀一种信念，更多的是一种热爱。

每个城市，都会下雨。

每片天空，都有雨的痕迹。

每个角落，都有对雨的思念。

每个雨季，都有我与你当年的烙印。

Going the Distance

2011-10-29T12:51:00.002+08:00

I am never a person of good stamina. The furthest I can go was about 7km at one go. Usually the body gives way and the run will degenerate into a stagger before a complete embarrassing, breathless halt, panting my life away. Therefore running is never my forte. But of late, I find out that I am capable of doing better, even at an older age and less promising constitution and just a few days ago, I hit the 10km mark non-stop, first time in my life.

Whenever I did my runs in the past, I was reliant on a good dose of food as the pre-workout energy source to allow me to draw strength and stamina. I believe good supplements, good diet and a good set of running gear would support and enhance my endeavour. So I relied quite a bit on these, always ensuring the best is put in place before I head off in my running. But as it was, no matter how I planned, how I put things in place, I will not go over the 7km mark. And I didn't know why.

Of late, I began to understand. Stamina is not about the physiological preparedness. It is about a frame of mind. The mindset must always be ready to contest the body's signals of tiredness, of exhaustion and of giving up. This is especially essential when it comes to the tough terrains and the uphills. The body will immediate indicate that the road is tough, and the physiology to give up. And we usually do break into exhaustion at these toughest times during the journey. The moment the mind is convinced of an exhausted state, no matter how well-equipped we are physiologically and materialistically, we will not be able to go the distance. And if the mind is tired, discontinue.

Of course a little bit of patience will help, that the right speed during the run to allow a slow and stable pace, not to rush into a dash which often wears the runner down within a short distance.

Maybe some other things in life too, shares the same philosophy and the same principles can be applied to it. The body and the situation may not be promising, but the vision and the mindset should always persist. Things do not fall in place upon first, second, third or forth instances. Some things take years to formulate, be it studies, businesses, or even human relationships.

Nothing can really prevent things we strive from happening, We can only be hindered when the aspiration dies.

When the mind is tired, discontinue.

“食饱饭未啊？”

2011-10-24T12:47:00.004+08:00

Someone checked out my 'Favourite Quotations' in facebook and then sent me a sarcastic note - "How unoriginal!". Another told me to write something more... intelligent.

As long as memory can bring me back in time, this “食饱饭未啊？” phrase has always lived in me. As a kid, whenever I arrived back at my humble home, my mother will ask me if I had taken my lunch. Then as a graduate student, my home-coming became evening stunts, and she will ask me if I had my dinner. Now as a working adult, she too, will ask if I have had my meals.

And my answer will usually be a 'no'. She will thereafter nag her life off, get up from her comfortable post-dinner TV sessions, go into the kitchen and fuss something up for me. In rainy days, she will take an umbrella and head out to get a take-away from me if I came home with an empty stomach. And she will always nag. Non-stop.

When I have my restful days at home and she is out, she will always call and ask, “食饱饭未啊？” and if I hadn't, she will drop her chores to bring back some nasty nags, and a most thoughtful take-away.

Maybe to the people out there, “食饱饭未啊？” is un-philosophical, lack-lustre, and unintelligent. But if they can read these few words through my eyes and receive them from my heart, this phrase “食饱饭未啊？” is not just another question nag.

It also means, "I love you, son."

A Promise

2011-10-23T00:25:00.002+08:00

I shall never ever allow history to repeat. I will cull anything even closest to heart if there is a slightest chance that it will.

Scribbles on The Sand (II)

2011-10-11T14:38:00.001+08:00

A few years ago, along the pristine beach skirting across the northern edges of Malapascua, Philippines, I picked up a twig and inscribed a few words on the sandy beach. In pulses of moments, the wave kissed the beach and the inscriptions were washed into ambiguity. I picked up the same twig again and inscribed the same three words, and when it was almost scripted into perfection, the next gush of turquoise water came washing in and took them away. I repeated the same ordeal a few times, and every time the waves will come and bring it back to the sea.

And finally I gave up.

Sometimes, life has planted it in such a way that, no matter how hard, how determined and how confidently you try to carve the same few words, the sea will relentlessly remove it. It is not a matter of how much toil you put in to keep the words on the sand. The inscriptions will never last if they were parked at the wrong place and the wrong time, when the tides are high, and where the waves can kiss the sand.

Soon the ebb will come in and roll out again, and the same few words, will leave with them.

中秋二感

2011-09-13T00:52:00.001+08:00

（一）

中秋佳节大伙吃饼赏月，在月色下浸入中秋团圆的浓意。

在这欢谈笑语中，大家手提灯笼，口吃月饼，可否还记得与我们共度全年的那壶茶。有时因长日相处，让人们在过节时，对这壶茶有所忘怀，而只在乎长年一度的月饼。这对月饼的关注，也显然对称了物以稀为贵，食以罕为宝。

人之常情，没什么对错。

但希望在我们品尝着一年一兴的各种月饼时，不要忽略了陪伴着我们度年过夜的那壶茶。它虽然在这佳节中只是个配角，但也就是它的低微承托，才能让我们品尝出月饼的独特佳味，在过度的甜腻中，为我们默默调和。当中秋随云而过，月饼离人而去，茶却仍然尽心长伴，再次伴随着我们度过另几个没月饼承托的月圆，使得我们不为寂寥。可能中秋的真谛不在于饼，而在于茶。

希望大家在这佳节里，用心感恩，记得陪伴我们度过岁月的人，并在团圆的当儿中，与他们举杯望月，分享那永垂不变的好茶。

（二）

约了几个朋友到文理吃月饼赏月。

大伙到齐后才发现原来没人买月饼。虽然有少许扫兴，但也无所谓。后来其中有位朋友的母亲搭巴士，老远地从勿兰给我们送了过来自己做的四块月饼。过后，大伙沏茶吃饼，发现月饼有些僵硬，应该是冷藏太久，所以外层酥饼硬化了。当中就有位朋友说月饼欠佳，不值得吃下它所含的热量（卡路里）。

“既然要吃，吃后会胖，就吃好的。”

当然这番话说透露不少智慧。大家想了想，也觉得有道理。可是，在大家用理智来断定是否该吃下眼前的月饼时，他们却忘了这僵硬的月饼里，包含了不止是皮与馅。一个好月饼外层爽口，内陷适甜，最好蛋黄咸味与莲蓉互相调和。这是用理智和味觉来断定的。但世界万物，不可只用此些方法来做好与坏的分划，就如眼前的四块僵硬月饼。有时我们必须问问“心”，用心去体会，感受和聆听，即可获得另一种不同见解。

朋友们终于买了新的一盒月饼。我却把桌上的月饼吃下了。有些可惜，他们就是注重口感和味觉。如果他们能用心去尝尝桌上的硬皮月饼，一定能吃得出那让人温馨有感的味道。这口味非为来自莲蓉惑酥皮，而是从我朋友母亲亲手揣摩出来的一种无形馅料。

这馅料，就叫做“诚意”。

Encounters

2011-08-23T14:55:00.010+08:00

Dear ____,

I often find myself thinking of the power of encounters.

Being more of a logical person, and looking at our entire living entity, the immediate overview would be a very complex and florid world comprising of almost uncountable number of beings co-existing in the same dimension. But amidst this uncountable numeral, people encounter one another through an intended connection or simply by the stroke of luck. Looking back on how I encounter you, and how even much easier for me not to encounter you, such fateful vectors are indeed not easy to draw upon. In fact, this reliance of opportune for our encounter, is as complex how a calculus mathematical formula works. Complex, but logical, and totally reliant on the right time, right place and right trigger

We may not oversee the impact of all the encounters we have, or had at the moment when they happen. More than often we make preferences and judge using the perceptions through the windows of our soul. However, when people get together, there is so much going on beyond our eyes, beyond what one sometimes can realize or even comprehend. And it made me think about what happened when minds should connect, and what happens when hearts open to give affection and to receive in return. To think about what the result could be if that sort of connections remains, gives me a very tangible feeling of hope for the human relationships and the faith that it encompasses.

Though I cannot predict the future, I get a hunch that when initiatives like this take place, coming from genuine hearts, sharing and expressing, becoming part of creation and ascertaining that change is on its way to happen.

One of the peak moments in my life, was an opportunity to visit Hwange National Park, Zimbabwe, some many years ago. And the invaluable captivation from these moments are easy to get, even visually, when one becomes opened to be touched by the African Elephants, for the opportunity to witness how they walk, as compared to the beings in our civilization, how the Elephants walk together.

“If you want to go fast, walk alone. But if you want to go far, walk together", so a saying of the South Africans goes.

Let's hope too we can walk together, regardless of what we see of each other, what we hear of each other or what we understand of each other. Let our journey be not dependable on these, but to cherish this encounter we had, by accepting the opportune, embracing its power and putting our faith on how we feel through our hearts for each other.

Yours, always,

ABC

Endless Dreams

2011-07-25T18:46:00.001+08:00

Dear....

To be very honest, I do not know who you are. I saw you in my dream and much as I can see very clearly your bodily features, somehow I cannot see your face, and memory doesn't allow me to catch much impression of you, so I am apologetic for I am unable to tell who you are. But somehow beyond that, I think I know you, and I know you very, very well.

I saw you last night in my dream. We were on a most beautiful island - scenic, tranquil and above all, it seems that all my wonderful times in my travels seem to connect to this place - the turquoise waters of Maldives, the white sand of Malapascua, the resort which looks very much like the Bali villa, the jetty totally reminiscent of the Borobudur entrance, and the dining hall reminded me of the Bayon Temple within Angkor Thom. So many things, so familiar yet so strange.

I cannot remember what happened, but I remembered a conversation between us and you wanted me to stay on the island with you. You promised me many things, things I would have promised to someone close to my heart if I had as much as you have. The island was yours, the yachts and the resort infrastructures. They were so... familiar. Something which I would have loved entirely. You wanted me to stay with you. I declined. There were too many things waiting for me somewhere out there, in particular, a fantasy. And in fantasies, everything is perfect. Everyone is perfect. Every moment is perfect. So I could not make myself stay with you. I didn't want to.

So you raged. I knew you would. You began to threaten me that if I do not, you will do hurtful things to me. But somehow deep down within me, I just knew they were all empty threats. But I gave in. I told you to let me leave the islands and bid my parents farewell and I shall return before sunset. And you agreed.

So I left the island on a yacht with your 'henchmen'. You were at the jetty biding me farewell and telling me to "come back soon". I forged a smile and left the island. Upon reaching mainland, the first thing I did was to shake off your men and head straight for the airport. There, I saw my folks. I told them to put me on the next flight back... to somewhere. They organized and I was on the plane - Philippines Airlines I remembered. I was in a mixed mode of fear and anxiety. It wasn't before long, the plane took off and I gradually felt safe.

As the plane glided into the skies, I looked down to see the island. And at that instance, my fears dissipated. In exchange, I began to feel you - the sadness, the solitude, the disappointment which enveloped you. There were no angst, no grudge, just a very deep sense of remorse. The island suddenly looked isolated. At one point of time, I have to admit to you, I did start to regret leaving you without farewell. I was afraid but it was no excuse. Whenever we end a chapter in life, we must always have a proper closure. In this instance, I didn't. I left without telling you why.

I rested back and there upon, I woke up from my dream. It was a little disturbing and unsettling even moments after I woke up. It was disheartening because I could still feel the sadness in you, and the greater depth of sadness of waiting aimlessly for my promised return, which will never happen. Somehow you were in thoughts throughout the day. And I just could not figure out who you might possibly be, until...

I was on the treadmill during lunch hour, running in a speed and then, it frowned upon me.

Suddenly, I realized why I knew you so well; why I could see what was before you; why I could see your body, your limbs, your hair but not your face; why I could so empathetically feel you - the angst, the sorrow, the disappointment; and why I could almost anticipate what you would do next, what you would think and why threats were so empty even though words were so harsh. I am so silly. I should have known much earlier.

I only wish I can go back to the island and tell you I am so sorry. I would have not left you if I realized this much earlier, never ever would leave you. But I will still not stay on the island with you. The island will only be beautiful and as captivating as what we saw if we leave it where it should be - that is, in the past where it belongs. And we have to move on in life.

Please take good care of yourself. One day when I am strong enough myself, I will return to the island. And I will bring you to a world I too, am trying to explore. And there, we will find our endless dreams.

Loving you,

... I don't know how to sign off.

But I wish you well, with all my heart.

The Nightmare

2011-07-05T00:02:00.009+08:00

Dear xxxx,

I had a dream last night. Not particularly pleasant because in the dream I was badly humiliated, mocked and embarrassed before a congregation of people whom I personally know and possibly some big named people in our world. And the person who put me into the shame, was none other than you.

I vividly remembered you accused me of being a liar, dishonest and that I fabricated everything about me, about you and most disheartenly, about us. At that moment, I can feel my own palpitation generated by the anger and disappointment put together. Compelled by the disbelief that how can those years of love, sincerity and giving in to you becoming a stack of lies as you have made believe to everyone before us, I felt the justification to be angry. You denied everything that was written in our history and joined in the laughter together with my friends, your friends and those who we both can identify.

I was infuriated. I told myself I have all concrete evidence against you - from photographs to emails and all kinds of paperwork which magically appeared before me. Seizing these things, I stood up and headed towards the assembly of laughter. But just as in the past, and as always, I stopped myself. I really do not have the heart to put you in the shame which you put me through; do not have the heart to have people to mock you; do not have the heart to have people to despise you; do not have the heart to hurt you.

I remembered my promise to you that I will always love and protect you. Even in a dream, when you have forgotten the same promise you have given me.

Moments before I woke up to reality, I remembered I tossed every bit of 'evidence' to a furnace. And as the laughter persisted, I can only wish you could understand how I felt at the very moment. Not the hurt, shame and embarrassment but the fond memories I held, the love we shared and the niceties you had ever accorded me, all which made me a stronger person than being spiteful, unforgiving and hateful.

As I woke up from the dream, I could still remember that smiting laughter from you, so reminiscent to those you had used to mock me in the past. But at the same time, I am happy that I can still remember those chortles. Because it affirms that you still live in me.

Take good care of yourself and be appreciative of the good things that come before you. And life will find its way.

Love always,
ABC

The Moth and The Flame

2011-04-24T01:12:00.006+08:00

One any given night, you would see many flies and other insects continuously crashing in or making endless circles around lights in your living room or even on the streets. The little disturbance caused by a moth tonight, I wanted to find out why they fly towards or around bright lights and surprisingly found many theories. However, none of them seems to be based on concrete scientific evidence. Insects that attract to light, and that doesn’t are described by a phenomenon called ‘phototaxis’. Earthworms and cockroaches are repelled by exposure to too much light and are known to have negative ‘phototaxis’ while insects like flies and moths are naturally attracted to light and have positive ‘phototaxis’.

One theory states that certain insects use light from the moon as a navigational beacon and flies, keeping the moon on its right side. This would work well because the moon is very much distant from the insect. But, if the insect takes artificial light as a beacon, such as a bulb which is much closer than moon, it would be flying around the bulb in an endless circle trying to keep the light on its side.

Another theory about the same so-called light-compass states that, as the light coming from distant is a straight line, the insect flies towards the moon, and speed of its wings is based on the strength of light on each eye. But, when it flies towards an artificial light, the strength of light on one eye differs from the other causing one wing to beat stronger. As a result, the moth flight becomes unbalanced causing it to crash into the light.

The third theory is the idea that flies are attracted to darkness and are nocturnal. Lights at short distance, they see the immediate area around it as the darkest space. They fly in to this ‘darkness’, and as the light is so close they get confused and end up flying around the light. There is debate going on about why insects are attracted to artificial light while natural light is still there. Some believe that it is, because of this dark space they see around artificial lights.

Unfortunately, there is no right answer to this question leaving us to make personal preferences on the most debated theories. My theory, however, is probably as what my friend said, a yearning. Sometimes when a living creature wants too much of certain things, it will be in a state of delusional, and psychologically motivates itself to reach into its wanting, even if it spells doom. The same reason why humans choose to head towards irrationality despite having a sense of rationality. choose to believe in fabrications despite having logical interpretations, choose to embrace love, knowing it brings hurt. There are many questions which remains unanswered. But I guess I know why. So that we can concoct what we want to believe and in some ways, derive delusions - which one day may bring us into the flame.

When you want so much of something, you will be oblivious to all others.

Just like the moth.

What My Kins Taught Me

2011-04-21T01:08:00.003+08:00

I think my parents have a lot of influence on me, the way my personality developed and my approaches and expectations in life, though I am not very close to them since young. But as a child, I witnessed my parents' philosophies in my upbringing and along the way, how these lessons concoct my thoughts and values to make me who I am today.

My father is an animal lover. He is a great person in the sense that he is able to devote himself to people and animals the way he commits himself to his family. Whilst he has shown great love for us under his wings, he will not hesitate to provide the same form of shelter to those who do not bear his blood. This resulted in my adopted brother, whom we have never been made to feel that he is an outsider. In short, my father, in the way he shows affection to even those who do not bear his blood, has taught me how to love persons, who do not belong to me, and that we should always believe that the same happiness can be accorded to those who choose to love more than being loved.

My mother brought me up when she herself was a teenager. Over the years she looked upon me as a son albeit all my failures to meet her expectations, to glorify my surname and the least, to make her proud of who I really am. There were many sorrowful times which remorse was so intense that given anyone in her position, there would be regrets that I was brought up by her. But nothing changed despite all. My mother, like all mothers, taught me how to love another unconditionally, that we do not harbour others to love us as much in return, or to give us the same amount of happiness which we chose to give. She too, brought me up to believe that happiness lies in loving a person, not the returns of being loved.

My grandmother, a woman who lived her life in poverty, raised as many as 14 children over her span of 78 years. She did not receive proper education, nor did she have a good marriage. My grandfather left her during the harshest times, with 14 children to manage through the Japanese Occupation. But she persisted. Even on her final breaths, she smiled to bid us all goodbye and told us to forgive our grandfather. My grandmother, though I do not know her well, has given me an inspiration to believe that we can all draw strength from love, including forgiving someone who has erred us, to the extend of causing us the hurt of a life time.

My few brothers, whom too, I am not very close to, have always been in loggerheads with me since young. There were jealousy; there were anger; there were prejudice. But beyond all, there is camaraderie. And this camaraderie, transcended by the love and care for one another over the years, allowed us to slowly develop understanding, thoughtfulness and eventually acceptance. My brothers led me to a direction to believe that loving another means being able to care for another, and be able to understand the importance of others in my life,and to see from their eyes, think from their minds, and feel from their hearts. They taught me empathy.

Finally my 'brother', or rather my wonderful friend, John, for proving the world wrong that blood may not necessary be thicker than water. Not when the water is a fluid of love, empathy and genuineness. John has taught me to see beyond the boundaries of familism, and that family needs not be confined to those who bleeds the same blood - but those who share the love. Like him to me, and me to him, my family. His family.

On this Maundy Thursday, I thank life for putting these great persons in my life, to teach me how to love unconditionally, to love those who are strange to us, to empathize and feel for others and to believe there is always a greater love from those beyond my kins, who are also my family.

My Father

2011-04-01T10:06:00.004+08:00

Every time a bird flies down from a tree and lands near me, I will think of my dad.

My dad is a very kind person. I think in my 40 years of being, my dad is one of the kindest persons I have seen. While kindness can be ignited in many ways, my dad has his own definitions. And it starts with the birds.

For the past ten years, my dad has been going against the law, feeding the birds in the neighbourhood and one reason why they thrived, is because of my father's consistent and unreserved care for these little creatures which probably not many would even take notice. For a decade, my father spent his pension on pet kibbles meant for dogs and cats, spent hours crushing them into smaller bits and then, found suitable times where no one sees, then whistled down the wind. It was and still is a spectacle, the birds hiding from the nearby tress will flutter and land near him, each taking turns as he tossed the crushed kibbles to each of his feathered friends. My father even talks to them, knows each and every identical bird well, and had seen generations.

"This is the nestling of this and that bird, and now he has a wife."

And his feather friends come in a myriad of species. From chirpy sparrows, to silly mynahs, to pigeons, crows and even owls. Sometimes he will bring his injured friends home to nurse, and at sadder times, he will bring the dying ones home, so that they will not depart from the cruel world alone.

Not just the birds, he devotes his retired life to the neighbouring cats and dogs, all needing empathy, care and someone who will remind them that in this society, there is at least one man who will see them as part of our world. And every time a neighbourhood cat or a stray dog passed on, my father will spend a quiet moment to himself, to mourn and to feel the pity that one great part of this world has diminished.

A good father is one who loves his spouse and takes good care his family and kids. But a great father, is one who is willing to love those who are not born of him, and in his eyes are as precious as his own that he is willing to devote part of his life to look after them as well.

And that, I take the greatest pride to say, is my father.

The Boy Who Climbed The Tree

2011-03-29T11:03:00.004+08:00

My dad gave me a lift to work today and we took a detour into Marine Parade. Following a staggering traffic, our car arrived at the road along a familiar place. For a couple of years during my career, I have spent my life at Tao Nan School, as none other than a Primary School teacher. To be precise, Primary One teacher. Because I was new and inexperienced, I was placed in a lower Primary class and those few years happened to be the best time of my career, being with young children and peering into their wonderful worlds.

I recall this incident, which to my surprise, was still recollected by the people there, who witnessed it some ten over years ago. There was this naughty boy who climbed up a Frangipani tree, one which was a young branch then, but a crowning glory now. The boy climbed up the tree and my colleague then was unable to coax him to come down from the tree. So the smart alec in me came along and I went over, told a blatant lie to the kid. I told him I was very impressed by his tree-climbing skills and asked if he could come down and show me how to do it, well, step-by-step. He fell for the trap and came down only to find a pinch on his ear-lobe by his class teacher and lots of reprimands.

This amusing incident was always remembered but only to this point. I had seldom mentioned what happened after which because it was all wrong. All wrong in the sense that we should never for any reasons, devastate the trust in a child, especially one who was all enthusiastic about sharing talents and abilities to others, others whom he thought looked up to him for things he felt proud of himself.

But this is not all. His class teacher, who incidentally reprimanded him aggressively, did not realize why the child had climbed the tree. When I spoke to the boy after all his reprimands, asking why he did such a foolish and dangerous thing, he simply pouted and did not answer. Then he showed me a crushed flower. "For Mrs Law", he said.

It was an amusing incident but all wrong.

As the car made way off the traffic junction where the tree stood, I only wish I could apologize to this boy for telling him a lie, and to tell him how proud of him I was.

And still am.

Prologue (Reprise)

2011-03-25T03:39:00.000+08:00

When you mix black with white, you'll get grey.

Grey is a very interesting colour. Fine artists will tell you the fundamentals behind the colour grey, are the two extremes in colours - black and white. When you put these two colours together, you get grey. Grey can be seen in many ways but what I'd like to suggest for this entry, is to try and see grey in terms of two specific perspectives - Firstly, the dulling of white under the presence of black; and secondly, the purification of black using the colour white. Both explains the existence of grey yet offers different vantage points to its creation.

I enjoyed the colour grey for many reasons, firstly because it is a colour of a variety of perspectives. Grey basically offers you to see beyond what is black and white, and allow you to pull out the sensibilities of the two colours and mixing them, arising in being this beautiful shade of neither. Some people prefer more of white than black, so they conjured a darker shade of grey; some people pick on cleansing the black with lots of white, thus creating the light grey.

Irrespective of how deep or light the grey is, it is essential that we remember once again the fundamentals of forming grey - that it composes of extremes and at the same time, trying to balance them.

Henceforth, sit back and relax and then look at grey over time. Then you will realise, grey indeed, has its own story to tell.

The Gift

2011-03-14T11:06:00.017+08:00

Finally my colleague sat down and told me she had ordered some really nice ginger tea for me. It was surprisingly bustling for a Monday office-houred morning with quite a handful of people at the eatery. Amidst our presence, there were the usual wailings and morning greetings and the "semi-friendly" smiles from the stall owners. I would empathize, for it is not easy to be merry when you were scooping noodles up the boiling pot every other second.

So we sat down to enjoy the breakfast. It is not very usual that we have this kind of opportunity. But we did. So, cracking the half-boiled eggs, we began to share how our weekend went to lighten the blues for the day.

Then from the corner of my eye, I saw this little boy sitting by the pavement. He was quite rangy and not quite clean although his clothes were not tattered or torn. His folks were probably somewhere in the crowd or maybe even a stall owner. He was playing with a few sweets, tossing them in the air and trying to catch them again. I watched in amusement as he threw a small tantrum whenever he missed the sweet and fell onto the ground. And at a point, I literally laughed out loudly that he noticed me. He continued to play with all the candies and finally he managed to catch the one he threw in midair. He was elated and with his happiness, I applauded in encouragement.

The little boy stood up and came over to me and colleague and without a word, he placed a sweet on the table in front of me and pointed at me. It was for me. Before I could thank him, he chuckled and went off.

As I picked up the sweet, my colleague shook her head. She reckoned that it may be filthy and asked me to put it away.

"But it is a gift for me", I told her.

I remember many years ago, when I headed the Community Service and Development Pillar for a particular tertiary institution, I used to travel a lot to the third world countries. We would collect old clothes and stuff for the orphans in these third world regions and then along with our expeditions, we would present to them as tokens of visits.

I remember too there was this instance I had a sweet in my hand and I gave it to an orphan and his elder brother. After taking the sweets, he clasped his hands and closed his eyes and bowed for a while, then smiled and went away. I told his elder brother what a polite thanking gesture.

His brother told me that was not a thanking gesture.

The little boy clasped his hands, and bowed before me not just to thank me, but in a silent prayer to thank God for my presence in his life and the generosity he received, and at the same time to ask for kind blessings to be given to me for giving him something and loving him.

"We Khmer people believe you give only when you love." He said.

I looked at the sweet in my hand again. I believe too. And it is a wonderful feeling to be loved.

请你告诉他

2011-03-11T14:13:00.006+08:00

身边人影
左右推挤
所有声音
渐渐停息

天地之大
我的眼眸中
只有他
在我纯真年华
他曾送给了我
世上最美的画

请你告诉他
我永远爱他
就算大雨一直下
心中彩虹长挂
彩虹尽头有他

请你告诉他
我永远等他
沧海桑田都不怕
我愿负出代价
今生留给他

今生都留给他

The Flight of Stairs

2011-03-09T13:23:00.006+08:00

I commute to work everyday and to get to the subway station, I have walk down a flight of stairs. Not a very long stretch, this is one which eventually leads me to the escalator to get to the basement.

For the past many years, I have walked up and down this flight of stairs to get to the station and from the station to go home almost everyday. This morning, my father decided to take the train with me to get to the hospital for his treatment. After we got down to the base of the stairways, he asked me, "Do you know how many steps are there on this flight of stairs you walked every day for the past many years?"

I told my father I didn't know.

"For years you have been going up and down this flight of steps and you have no idea?" he inquired. I mean, who would go around counting a flight of steps albeit using it for many years. So I told him I was either on a rush or when getting back from work, too tired to do small little irrelevant things like counting steps.

My dad said there were 68 steps. Then he smiled.

In life, we always think there are many things not worthy of our attention, or needing us to know, like counting the number of steps. But in reality, it is actually not about worth or need. It is about awareness. Day in and day out, we are too involved with what we deem is necessary and valuable to our living. Day in and day out, we are too conscious about classifying and prioritizing and we leave room for things to fall under the category of not being needful. Then we put them aside, and eventually took no notice or forgot about them.

On every acting stage, it is the props that gave the setting a sense of reality. And the setting gives the plot life.

In our lives, it is these little things not worthy of our awareness that construct our world. And this world gives us reason for being.

We do not go around counting every step or tree or rock or stone. We just need to know that they exist and they have reasons for us to know them a little better, despite our hurried lives and prioritization. Once in a while, grant them an attention to know them better and in doing so, understand the small unnoticeable role they play in our lives which makes our being more florid, and many a times, more meaningful.

Have you taken a good look at the pot of withering plant out in your yard? Find time to do so and give it a reason to exist. Then it will once again, with no doubt, put its colour back into your life.

The Sorrowful Day

2011-02-24T21:28:00.005+08:00

"Every month, I will find a day, when I will allow myself to be sad. To be sit in a dark corner and perhaps even weep. Just that one day, for me to grieve for myself."

I told my friends this over lunch. The laughter and the jolliness came to an immediate stop and they glared at me. We were having so much fun mixing milkshakes and getting ourselves sick by gorging down all the horrendous paste when I suddenly spoke.

Then things came to a stand still.

I told them do not be alarmed. We all need to be sad at some time in our life and walk out of the facade. After all, since things happened last year and I promised them I will be a happy person, I really did a good job and it wasn't really too much that I just needed one day. I just needed one day to be who I really am and to put down the burden for just twenty four hours. I promised them to be happy again after this day each month.

Happiness is indeed a choice but not as easy as sometimes we want it to be, albeit the fact that we all really want to be happy. I want to be a happy man too, but I hope my friends can let me be a genuinely happy man, not just a happy man. And not let me drown my heart every night when the world sinks into a slumber.

It has been be a year but some things you will never forget.

"Let me be myself once in a while and just let me cry it out if I need. And I hope you can shield me from the crowds so that I will not be embarrassed," I asked them.

Dillah stood up, came forward and gave me a hug.

We didn't mix milkshakes anymore nor laugh out loud, just little smiles along the way. And before we left, all of them told me that on this one day when I welcome sorrow to come into my heart again, allow them to come by too, because that is the reason why they have chosen to take me as a friend.

For this, I have indeed found reasons to smile, even on the sorrowful day.

Temporary

2011-02-18T16:44:00.002+08:00

Everything in life is but temporary.
Some is temporarily longer,
some is shorter.
Some takes years to reap,
some takes a night to fade.

So take everything with a pinch,
or even a fine grain,
and leave unwary traces
as you walk into
the next
temporary
moment.

"Sleep Away" by Bob Arci

2011-02-18T01:28:00.002+08:00

Time to sleep away
to a new day.
Time to put a close
to dreams
and wake up to them.
But first,
sleep away.

Promises

2011-02-15T11:48:00.003+08:00

Someone ever told me, "Promises are made to be broken".

I have always believed that promises are words spoken bring us hope and open a path of light into the future. These words are like the draft on the architect's table - a pre-conceived idea on how the eventual future will look like. But we often forget that promises are always made at the port of optimism where every horizon look peaceful and nice. And we too know, the most beautiful horizons seen from any shoreline, can be the roughest seas with unsuspecting waves and winds. And henceforth the future shares the bleak presumption.

I always believe in promises. No one breaks promises or intend to break the promise at the time where they were laid. Whenever a word given seems to disfigure into emptiness, recollect the fact that when the words were spoken, and at that very time, they were genuine. However, things change, people alter and the world is always evolving with new and unimaginable beings. In a sense, we have to accept that promises tend to fade forgivably or even dissipate as the surrounding conditions changes or vanishes. And it is entirely up to the individual and his or her beliefs in putting a time frame for his or her own words.

This therefore leads to the old Chinese saying, that "time is never the essence, it's having been there to create those memories".

Keep those promises like burnt out candles. They once shone your life though they have lived out their glitter now . Forgive them if they do not shine anymore. And now, learn to find new promises. The best place to start? From yourself.

Promise yourself love, yourself strength and most importantly of all, promise yourself to always believe that life will find its way for you.

Date 15 February 2011

Valentine's Day Email to A Friend

2011-02-14T00:12:00.003+08:00

My Dear Friend,

I actually want to put this up as an open note on Facebook but on second thoughts I have decided to dedicate the time and wisdom to draft this note solely for you instead.

Facebook is all funny – and every day I seem to be a disaster machine with many interesting things to tell. My friends often dropped me text and messages to ask why I was always fussed with the little things happening around me, like a fly buzzing around or an overdose of fried chicken for dinner, I would see it as some enormous impacts in my daily routines. The fact is, they are not.

In my life, I have to deal with big things at work, and I would dare say much bigger things than the average layman. I have to shoulder big responsibilities to keep the entities under my charge going and the people whom which I am responsible for their livelihood. And there is also an emotional burden which I have chosen not to show anymore. So these are not minorities in my being.

But over the months, I have come to realized that the state of mind in a person is not about him or her being strong, but rested on one’s attitude. And attitude can be formulated by enjoying the bliss that is constantly beaming around us, like a plate of cockles, the smile of a friend, the silly act of trying to barge into the mrt station by tapping an ATM card or simply sitting on bird poo and then screaming one’s life off etc. These things, as incomprehensible as they seem to us, are the miracles of God, if you know how to see them in a different light – because with a tweak, they bring laughter. These things, are the little things in life.

We frown upon the woes and sorrows which will inevitably happen in our lives. They are fixtures, we cannot evade. I have had terrible times myself, to the verge of seeing if it was worthwhile even to live at one stage. But the thing that made me change my mind, was that in my absence, what will happen to those who are reliant to the routines I created for them. Then I realized, in many ways, our lives are intertwined to not only people dependable on us, but by things, beasts and people in the darkness we do not know – in other words, the little things. And they exist because of our existence.

My Chicken Pot Pie exploded in the microwave today – I become the embarrassment of the entire office – nuclear testing I call it. Much as a small matter, people around me laughed at the sad plight - joyfully. The pantry ladies found pleasantries teaching me how to microwave and my subordinates showed compassion by dashing to the nearby and got me a tuna pie. These things, the little things, are made to happen by God – to put people together , gave them laughter and to make life gleam.

So in all sadness and hardship, I hope you too will be able to see more of these little things, and the blessings given to you as a person. Because you are loved and thought of, even by a stranger like me, and I am sure you will rest more significantly in the minds of your close ones, your friends and many more people out there whom you do not probably even know. Life cannot be a complete bliss – this is how the world manifest and we cannot contest. But whenever we take a wrong turn in life, see it as the emergence of a new adventure. And when we are lost, we will find new directions.

Happy Valentine’s Day my dearest friend, thank you for being my “little thing in life” and not the least, my friend.

Yours always,
ABC

How To Put On A Scarf

2010-12-21T16:17:00.001+08:00

-7 degrees on a bustling street in downtown Beijing wasn't exactly one of the best ways to enjoy a holiday. But on that faithful Thursday afternoon, after getting out of the subway near the Water Cube, I found myself freezing almost to death alongside a badly congested street lined with trumpeting cars. The wind was more than chilly and albeit the layers of warmers I had on me, I still shivered - bearably unbearable I call it. A few paces down the road sent me scooting shamelessly into a lingerie shop - not to shop but to evade that Siberian wind that invaded that part of Beijing.

Moments later, the wind mellowed and I made way out of the little shop to commence my short walk to the Water Cube. It wasn't before long when a second gust came forth. I swore in agony but there were no shelters nearby, no second lingerie shop or even a hideous public toilet. So I continued walking, hoping the chill will vanish in a bit after the wind finds its way elsewhere.

By the bank of a canal, or river - I have no clue - just a frozen channel of water, I sauntered in agony towards my destination when a cheerful voice from a nearby bench greeted me. He was barely 70 I reckoned but all well and fit, and not the least afraid of the cold. In a non-accented mother tongue, I greeted him well and told him it was a really cold day and that I was almost frozen to death - no exaggeration - frozen to death. He chortled and said the reason why I was feeling cold was because of the way I put on my scarf - you would have clearly guessed - the wrong way. It was loose and not properly slung over the neckline, enabling the chill to enter at ease into my inner layers. He then offered to put it on correctly for me, and assured that it will dispel the cold even if the winds came by for another visit.

I gleefully accepted his kind offer. Within moments, he took off the scarf and redid upon my neck, then followed my a tight snap - the whole scarf was properly secured onto my neck - lifting my head high up and was powerfully tight so as to disallow the cold to infiltrate into my inner layers. For a moment I thought I looked like E.T., you know Ë.T. go home ~~~~~" - THAT E.T. - neck up and high but it did make a precise difference - the wind was a threat no more.

I thanked the old man before heading off along the riverside again. "E.T. go home... E.T. go home... E.T. go home..." Not before long, the wind wrecked havoc over and over again but my E.T. scarf knot fended it off perfectly, and the chill was drastically reduced.

I should be happy but I was not. It was pretty uncomfortable and walking around looking like E.T. wasn't exactly the proudest thing in downtown Beijing. No doubt I was well protected from the harsh and chilly wind, but every pace was a chore and every step was a discomfort. After no more than ten minutes, I finally undid the scarf and brought it back to square one. And after no more than another ten minutes, the chill came back, and I am back to my "shiveration".

But I was happy.

In life, happiness always comes with a price. And sometimes, we have to discard the safe and comfortable zones to find this Xanadu. And for that day, the badly knotted scarf in a -7 degree winter weather, was my happiness. I was glad I chose it and made the rest of my afternoon a terribly cold, yet a most wonderful one.

Happiness is always a choice. So choose a way to put on the scarf which makes you happy.

Chocolates

2010-10-18T16:44:00.000+08:00

Hi,

Thanks for the three boxes of Meiji Chocolates. I am surprised you remembered "my kind" of chocolate. It is so nice.

You know, for all the years we have known each other, I believe you know I have never liked chocolates. My friends around me all know that I am just that weirdo that doesn't like chocolate, be it simple Calbury's or the exorbidant Godiva, I just wouldn't eat one or even anything near "chocolate", like a Milo or a Mocha, I wouldn't touch them.

But I was very happy though when you bought me three boxes of Meiji Chocolate. You said you knew I didn't like chocolates but not all chocolates. You knew I would not resist the Japanese Meiji Chocolates from Watsons, and these are the only chocolates I will eat cos they literally melt in the mouth. So over the years, you bought Meiji Chocolates for me whenever you see them on the racks. I am truly grateful and appreciative, it was so nice of you.

Yet I have to let you know, I still find chocolates repulsive. I have never liked them even till today. And I have to tell you, Meiji Chocolates are just the same as the others, I really would not have eaten them. And unfortunately over these years, you were wrong about "my favourite chocolates".

You did not understand, that I like Meiji Chocolates not because they are Meiji. Not specifically that Japanese brand which you thought my palate would exceptionally adore or they would melt in my mouth.

I like Meiji Chocolates because you bought them for me.

And I will happily eat any chocolates you buy for me, be it Meiji, Calbury, Godiva, whatsoever. Very willingly. Very happily.

So thank you for the three boxes of Meiji Chocolate. I really really like them. A lot.

Yours always,

Breakfast With My Father

2010-08-21T15:31:00.002+08:00

It has been really very long before I had breakfast with my father. Not at home or those charming restaurants serving excellent 'Dim Sums', just a small coffee shop round the corner from my house. It was an ordinary day and surprising few people at the eatery albeit being a fine Saturday morning.

My father didn't order coffee and eggs for himself as often he would. Instead, he smirked at me and told me, "I ordered something for us, you sit and wait."

I was a little curious as my usual breakfast was very mild and light, and besides, being 10.00am means it is way past my usual breakfast hour at 7. But I waited and see what the little smirk was all about.

It wasn't really long when a pair of metal cutlery and chilli paste was put right before me. Before I could make another guess, there was a plate of rice on the table and half a bird of piping hot roast duck was served.

I had a silent delight. I told my dad last night I had a craving for roast duck and in the end was not fruitful in having even a piece for dinner. So he made way for the first thing in the morning to be given to me. I told him it's strange to eat roast duck for breakfast and he's response was "It is what you want that matters, not mine."

If there is anything I have inherited from my father, it is this exact same philosophy in giving. While I am glad that this virtue transpired genetically to me, I am also cursed by the fact that I live in a world surrounded by people who are not capable of doing so. And thus many a times, I have to deal with the remorse of disappointment. I shared this with my father, and he said, "The world is imperfect. All you need is to know that there is one person in this world that believes in the same as you do, and you will not be regretful."

I asked him, "Who does?"

"Me." He said.

I think my dad is really wonderful. And I do love him so much.

Blessing

2010-07-23T00:44:00.002+08:00

I chanced upon this photo while googling for a nice wallpaper for my laptop. I typed "Greatest blessing in life". I would not hesitate to live a shorter life or given up every fortune and wealth blessed upon me to see myself in such a photo.

Cherishing Others

2010-06-27T16:06:00.006+08:00

I made a comment on someone's blog about cherishing people in their lives. The blogger mentioned that she was taught by her uncle through the memories of her late grandmother to always cherish the important people and families in their lives. I would have agreed if not for the word 'important'.

Sometimes you wonder if the word 'important' is a word used to describe the entirety of our lives or if it is just a adjective to be imposed on certain parts of one's life. No one can hold the same significance or importance to us across our lives. Circumstances come, they will take a back seat, move outside our livelihood or even have to discontinue the journeys with us. But this does not mean that we should only put people 'important' to us in our cherish folder.

I see it in this way - our family love us a lot, and because of blood ties, they obligated their love to us, and in doing so, they cherish our presence in our common lives. But I value people outside this genre even more. There are people who has no blood ties to us; there are people who come into our lives not the day we were born but far later; there are people who will not value add our lives the way we wanted; there are people who will not put us on the pedestal of fame and success etc. But amongst these people, who came into our lives as total strangers, have no obligations to us and do not owe us a living - but chose to enter our lives and contribute to the happiness in a way which they can afford - may not be what we want, in no way they are obligated to do what they would do for us. And these people, can be friends, camaraderie, confidants or simply in short, people who choose to love us. And to me, these people are equally deserving to me as my family does, because they are not members of our families, just strangers, yet dedicated part of their lives for us. And I feel that they deserve to be cherished deeply for their presence in our lives.

Some people may outlive their worth in our lives - that perhaps we saw things we did not agree upon, or our ego may not allow, and we cast them aside to the distant, and exclude them from our lives. We wanted just the good times we had, the past, and therefore enveloped it into a memory and claim to keep the 'good memory' but discard the worthlessless of the presence. And people who really cherish others, would never choose only to keep only the 'important' people - however their importance value their lives - but also to the others who chose to live part of their lives for them.

A friend once claimed that she is a very appreciative person. But she has never acknowledged a single regard sent to her each morning. It was just a 'Good Morning' she said, and she thought it was needless to respond, or at times she was not in a good moody or simply just "don't feel like it". So I wonder if she understood the fundamentals of appreciation.So I wonder if she understood the fundamentals of appreciation - that the basis of being appreciative starts from the smallest things in life. Regardless of religion, we believe that we must always thank God for each new day we were given to live, and that each day we were cared for. In short, we must always acknowledge the kindness bestowed to us and only with gratitude, that appreciation can be concertized.

It is not easy to cherish others, not for people who self-serves or choose to 'love thyself before others'. It's a simple word, but in cherishing others, you need patience, you need wisdom, you need courage, and you need a mental constitution to be able to bear the pain when life opens up to you that it doesn't always come back in the same direction.

A person very very close to heart told me "being sentimental weakens you". I beg to differ. Being sentimental gives you the strength to accept another person's drawbacks even when they were evidently slashed across your soul, and it gives you the patience to hold on, even when confronted with hurtfulness - because the good things in the past are never forgotten, and that they were traces of evidence in the goodness of life.

In other words, they are being cherished.

Sunshine After The Rain

2010-06-24T08:59:00.007+08:00

I had a small chat with a friend yesterday. It was pretty pleasant. We spoke about the raging afternoon weather, when the skies took a turn from its pretty morning sunshine to masses of Nimstratus clouds rolling by. Soon it was raining very heavily. And I remarked, "There goes the afternoon."

My friend was consolatory. He told me not to fret. "After the rain, there will be sunshine."

It was a promising statement and I was very convinced at that point that it would be once again clement, just have to persist and wait for the rain to stop. After a couple of hours, the rain did stop eventually, from a gushing cats and dogs to spring showers alike, then finally it just stopped.

But there was no sunshine.

The sky was still dim and dark, and the air still cool with the stale smell of rain lingering on. The whole evening seemed to come to a stand still albeit the clement weather. Just without the sunshine. And when there was no sunshine, there was no warmth.

In life, the same will happen. We will all go through the harshest and darkest times, only to find that after going through them, we were unable to arrive at the the place we sought. And this is life. What was worse, was night fell after the rain. The whole world came to the time of darkness and ambiguity once again, bringing with it a layer of cold and unfeeling mist.

Perhaps sunshine will come again soon. Once the night is over. Perhaps not. But what I am ascertained of, is that sunshine will be here again, definitely. While waiting for the time to come again, the best of what I can do, is to keep a little patience, a little thoughtfulness and most important of all, a little faith.

I believe I will see the sun again soon.

For Whom Do We Live

2010-06-23T11:31:00.004+08:00

This is for all of us, and the people whom we have chosen to live for.

Farewell to the Land Below the Wind

2010-06-22T09:42:00.001+08:00

“Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.
A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.
And meeting again, after moments or lifetime,
is certain for those who have faith in love.”

And I have come to the end of the journey. Over the days I have seen many things, met many people and probed into the aspects of life which I have never been able to experience without the opportunities granted to me in this journey.

As I lugged my bag and waved the receptionist farewell at the hotel lobby, my heart seemed to sink a little. I thought this journey would be difficult because the only company I had was solitude. But I was wrong. My traveling mates were the beautiful memories which we have created together in the past, and through them, I have found more companions along the way.

I went back to Stephanie’s once more. We took a photo together and after a goodbye hug, she bade me farewell and turned away tending to the cashiers and the customers paying their bills. I picked up my bag and headed out of the eatery before I turned to see them once more. And there I saw my friend standing in one corner, tears in her eyes as she nodded and smiled at me. The best goodbyes are those which are not spoken but remembered. I promised her I will see her again.

I bade the islands farewell as well, for many of my lonely afternoons were spent with them. They brought me to an amazing under underworld where I remembered why I took up diving in the first place. To the mountains and their majesty, I will tell the people about them, and how through them I had seen the beauty of our lands. To the people of Sabah, who shared their life stories with me generously, who taught me the meaning of generosity and contentment, who showed me happiness is about what we make out of in our minds, I can only leave my unspoken gratefulness as a souvenir for them.

Though there was a tinge of reluctance to board the plane, there was full of anticipation to return home. I took this journey to find the answers to the questions I had, and I found them. Each and every answer which I was told in this journey, led me back home. They led me back to where my heart desires, whether I found them on the top of the mountain or deep down in the underwater world. And through each pace I took, looking at the people who came into my life along the way, I finally knew where my heart belongs.

What I longed for in life has never changed. And in trying to find it, I found my way through the woods, across the townships to a river with murky waters. It was there where I found the meaning to many things. I found the hope to move on strongly, to keep the patience which was born into me, to grant understanding and to accept that life sometimes move slower than I would like it to. But it is still moving.

It is time to go home to fight for a future I yearn for.

其实我也会写些中文 (I can write in Mandarin too)

2010-06-20T11:54:00.004+08:00

曾用英语写了些文章，就是不能透透彻彻地说出心里的一些话。其实，要表达一些存于心底已久的感情和话语，终究用小时候母亲亲口教述的语言，过为切实与明晰。就是语言表达能力欠佳或词库有限，这感情也能由曲曲几个字词，让你们体会得到。

I have been doing much writing in English, but was unable to articulate or depict the things which I have kept in my mind which I wanted to convey. Sometimes, in order to express the real emotions and thoughts kept within the heart, the best language to use would be the language our mothers taught us when we were young, and only so that the message would be clear and concise. Even if the proficiency of our mother tongue is not high or we have limited vocabulary, the thoughts and feels emitted from the few words spoken from a voice gifted to us by our parents would allow all of you to feel from your heart what I would want to convey.

这些日子以来,生活真的不容易.很多时候,回想一下,人生苦短,为什么功名利禄就是那么让人看得比友情,爱情来得那么重要.为什么感情在某些人的眼里,就是比不上一些死物;为什么爱与关怀,就是不能感化那向往成就的野心, 就是不了解,口中那天长地久的诺言,会塌于私心之下;就是不明白走到了十字路口,以往的海誓山盟就化为云烟,消逝在记忆中.

The days gone by had been very difficult for me. Looking back, I cannot help but wonder why in this short span of life, people would choose to look upon their achievements and reputation more important and significant than the people around them, friends, lovers, partners. Why in their eyes that love and affection would not be able to soft the heart that yearns for success, and the promises made yesterday would have to bow down to the self-serving mind, and why at every crossroad, that the faithful vows once made, would dissipate into the lost realm of their memories.

我为人活,但人却为梦想而行,不曾回首看一眼我那盼望之心, 更不曾停步感受我为了等待而承受着的那份耐心.

I live for others, but others live for the dreams which I do not exist within, never to take a look back at my longing, and never to pause for a moment to feel the patience which I have chosen to give, in order to wait.

你们对我说,放下此包袱,另外寻找方向.但即使刻意离开此行,另外找寻方向, 但心却停留在重逢的那一刻.那不是自欺欺人. 为何不能潇洒些,坦认自己就是那么执著,即使旁人不了解,嘲笑我那么的愚昧,如果真有一天能够重逢,任何代价都是值得的.

All of you have told me to put down the baggage and move on. But even if I have chosen to stray from this journey and detour to a brand new path, my longing heart will always pause at the moment of reunion. Isn't this self-deceiving? Why can't I be more truthful, to admit that I am very obstinate, even if others misunderstood or mocked for my folly, for if ever the day of reunion will arrive, any price to pay is deserving.

每个人活在世上,都有一定的目标和方向.我的,就是背着一心期待过去的包袱,朝着一条看不清未来的人生道路,漫步而行,希望远些,能找到自己心中的天堂.即使就是到了终点, 发现原来只是一个虚幻世界,我也心甘情愿.

Everyone lives in this world for a purpose and direction. Mine, would be to carry my backpack of memories and hike along a path towards the ambiguity, with a mindful of hopes that in the not too distant future, I would be able to find the paradise I yearn for. Even if in the end, all but is a farce, I would be contented that I made this journey.

期求你们不要排斥我,放弃我; 能辅助我,让我心痛,难过.因为那是我人生中最大梦想的代价.让我能够在生命中的最后一刻,说我尽力过,我尝试过, 因而不枉此生, 从而能够开开心心地与你们道别.

I hope all of you would not ostracize me or desert me, but able to empathize with me on the pain and remorse I have to go through. Because ultimately, this is the price to pay to the biggest dream I have in life. At the end of my life, let me be able to tell all of you, that I have tried, and I have done my best, so I have lived my life meaningfully, and thereafter, able to bid all of you farewell happily.

希望你们能够用心去聆听我的这番话.

I beseech you all to listen to your heart as you read my thoughts.

Generosity

2010-06-14T11:34:00.004+08:00

“It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35”

The moment they saw me outside the shopping mall, they rose from their squatting postures and slowly, they moved towards me. There was this lady in tattered clothes, an infant in one arm and the other extending out, muttering something in a language which I could not comprehend. There was a little girl beside her, barely ten years old, shyly hiding behind the lady with the infant. From her gesture I would have guessed it was something to do with pleading for a dollar or two.

I extended my hand into my pocket, and the only thing I had in my travel wallet was a ten Ringgit note. There wasn’t even a coin or two in there. Before I could pass her the note, I hesitated. I looked at the sky; it was again loomed with Nimbostratus clouds. I could even smell the reek of the on-coming rain, which meant I needed the money to take a taxi back to the hotel some fifteen minute walking distance away.I smiled at the lady, nodded my head a little before I awkwardly made my way into shopping mall. I did not utter an apology for the unfeeling response. I didn’t know how to. I made way into the building hastily and hoped they did not follow me in my direction.

I made way to the other entrance where the taxi stand was located. As I proceeded towards the row of red and white vehicles, I could not shake off the thought of the lady with the infant in arms, nor could I let lose of the little peering from behind the same lady. To me, it was just a fifteen walk and it wasn’t really too difficult to make way back to the hotel. But to them, the same dollar note may be more than just that. So I decided to make way back to the same entrance where I met them.

They were still there, squatting by the kerb. The lady smiling at the infant in her arms with the little girl sitting beside her peeling off the blades from a dried fallen leaf. I went forward, pulled out my sole ringgit, and hand it over to her. Almost immediately, her smile beamed even brighter as she continuously muttered something which I could not understand. But it was fine for me and so, with a nod I made way to the road to return to the hotel.

The gesture did make me feel close to God, but not to the hotel. The moment I reached the side of the road, the sky broke into precipitation, and it literally poured within moments. It was during this trying time that I hesitated and revisited my decision for being generous. I would not expect the rain to stop any sooner, knowing the climate of Kota Kinabalu City. I was left with no money in my pocket and there was not much I could do than to stay within the mall and hope for the rain to halt.

I wondered if it was a wise decision to give, when I needed the same money for myself. And it was during this time I recalled what my friends had always reminded me, to always love myself and provide for myself first, before others.I would have concurred with my friends at that moment and would have regretted the decision if not for a little tug on my shirt. A familiar little girl stood beside me and in her hands, she offered me an old umbrella. The lady with the infant in her arms was a few paces behind her. She was repeatedly nodding and muttering something again. And I knew she wanted me to have the old brolly. I refused but they were insistent. In the end, I accepted the umbrella and smiled at them with gratitude.

The lady then bellowed at the little girl, covered the infant with a drape or towel of sorts, before the trio made a dash into the rain and headed to the other side of the road many yards away. I watched with unease as they dodged the oncoming vehicles with the rain washing them from head down. Finally they reached the other building, soaked to the skin. Yet, with no grouses, they chose to end this chapter of our meeting beautifully with the little girl turning to wave goodbye at me.

I was very sure they needed the umbrella as much as I needed the money to go back to the hotel. But in trying times, I began to doubt the worth of my generosity. And in the same trying times, they unreservedly extended their generosity. I thought I had a big heart to give, but compared to the three whom I had given, this big heart is but a dot in the galaxy of genuine bounteousness.

To my friends who taught me to love myself first, may I share this with you - “True generosity is not about giving what you need more than I do; but giving what I need more than you do.”

The little girl taught me this.

Soon It’s Gonna Rain

2010-06-05T08:57:00.006+08:00

The weather in Kota Kinabalu was queer. Each day brought about a tremendous 37 degree scorch, offering the best tan to the most avid beach-comber. But on the same day, the same weather can be drastically toppled into a ghastly thunderstorm with rain pelting ruthlessly and thunder roaring in sonorously in full tenor.

I planned a nice day out to one of the Pulaus (“Islands” in its native language), having known of their excellent offshore reefs and coral gardens go enough to uphold some decent snorkeling. The morning weather was clement – in fact, beautiful so to speak. Nice clear blue skies, no clouds and the sun was brilliant. It shone illustriously over the whole city and the waves echoed its brilliance series by series. It was a perfect day for beach-combing.

A payment of RM17.00 got me a ticket on board a bumpy speedboat and off I went to Pulau Sapi, one of the smaller islands with crystal clear waters and delimited by a beautiful reef – at least this was what they claimed on the touristy map. Twenty minutes later I landed on the island. It was a weekday so the island was spared of an omnipresent crowd. I pulled the mat up, unzipped my fin bag and took out my mask and snorkel. I was all ready to walk straight right up to the waters before I heard the first crack of thunder.

Almost immediately, the sparkling sunlight dissipated into gushes of wind and one could raise his eyes right up overhead in time to see the mass of grey clouds eating up the sunshine and bring with it, masses of cold air. The whole ordeal took less than five minutes. I did not even finish applying my sunblock when the first drop of rain plunged from heaven.

I made it in time to grab my stuff and headed for shelter at a restaurant infested with monitor lizards. As the rain became heavier, the reptiles too found their way into shelter near the pendant roofs at the side of the restaurant. A topless me sat by the table, with all hope that it would just be a passing rain cloud.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Two hours later, I was still stranded inside the restaurant. I began to feel the cold brought about by the ghastly winds and soon it was windbreak over sunblock. As the cold chilled down my spine, my blood boiled in an avalanche. I spent half a day, not to mention all the effort in getting to the island, plus a small mint of money only to find a mulish cloudburst to welcome me at the island. The sun was a fib. Soon, I became restless and began to express my displeasure to neighbouring tourists.

Well, that’s nothing we can do about it”, an elderly Caucasian replied. I wanted to retort but kept the cool and sat aside. It was fortunate I chose to keep to myself for come to think of it, I really do not have anything to refute the elderly gentleman. Moments later, the Caucasian came over and offered me a can of Mocha.

“We can either rush to the jetty, get all wet but able to pick up a ride back to Jesselton, or to sit here and wait for the rain to stop.” He suggested to a lady, whom I presumed to be his wife.
“Ain’t we unfortunate?” I growled.

“We are!” Mr Caucasian chortled as he spoke. “But there is nothing really we can do about it.” He stressed again. And this time, I actually thought he made sense.

The day was ruined by the rain but not its entirety. It was ruined all the way when anger took control and when frustration and feeling of shortchanging ran through the mind. It was ruined when I did nothing but to grimace over the inclement weather. But it need not be as such. There could be control over it and have the whole situation changed. But before that, the mindset had to be altered.

I made the decision to make a dash. Mr Caucasian and his supposed wife too concurred and the three of us ran a good fifty metres in the bucketing rain to the jetty. We were sopping wet to the skin by the time we hit the jetty. But we managed to get on to the boat and scurried our way back within an hour.

The rain did not run out of stamina. It continued to pelt the mainland, and even more heavily than the earlier hours. However, I managed to furrow my way to a nearby café to grab a hot Latte while waiting for the downpour to halt. Still it didn’t. So I hopped into a sleazy massage palour and asked for my feet to be scrubbed and pressed. I was offered a bargain and soon found myself enjoying delighting in the comforts of a nice warm armchair and enjoying the rain more than I thought I would.

Two hours later came dusk. The rain subsided into a drizzle and it was comfortable to head back to the hotel. I made a slow walk back, occasional stepping into the murky puddles. It was a botched morning but the afternoon was salvaged by the decision to move on, and not reside further to growl at my own misfortune.

Many things in life can be changed, and as simple as just varying our attitude. I remembered someone ever told me, that when things go wrong in life, just remark – “This is where the adventure began.”

I had my adventure for the day. Not too audacious, but good enough to salvage day. There wasn’t really anything we could do to stop the rain. But it doesn’t mean we can’t embrace the sunshine in us. Just need to beam it with a positive attitude. So Mr Caucasian was wrong. There was something we can do about it.

Change our mindset. All will be nice and fine.

By The Padas River, I Found You

2010-05-29T23:02:00.007+08:00

It has been a year since I put together the book "Two Elephants". This year, I have commenced a new compilation, By The Padas River, I Found You. My journey, the voices I heard, the people whom I met, and the memories of East Malaysia, shall find themselves in the pages of this 15 chapter book, dedicated to a person who created the memories here with me, and the day when we shared a box of donuts together.

Journey

2010-05-26T10:30:00.004+08:00

Today I will be embarking on a journey. And as my good friend bade me goodbye, his words were "Make this trip a trip for yourself and not for others."

I will remember that. Thanks Glenn.

The Cod Fish

2010-04-30T00:21:00.001+08:00

I was at the lunch table with seven colleagues this afternoon and we were served a most delectable buffet comprising of all sorts of seafood delicacies. And one dish really noteworthy of mention, was the deep fried Cod Fish in Teriyaki sauce.

This dish was dream. Each piece of meat put into the mouth will just melt, oozing with flavour and texture. The only drawback was that this dish, being deep fried, was overly oily, and this intensive dribble of oil was necessary because this was what that gave the dish a formidable "umph".

I could not stop helping myself - serving after serving after serving. My two colleagues seated adjacent to me were a little disturbed.

One of them began to tell me the dish was too oily and I should not eat too much of it because it is not healthy. She went on and on with matters of cholesterol and how it could kill the heart. I ignored her.

The second colleague, decided to give the same remark more punchline, by literally using a spoon to press on the meat, allowing the oil to 'ooze' out.

"See, this is impossibly oily, don't eat too much, it is not right for you", she righteously claimed. I look at the intentional evidence and then, ignored her.

And I went on for a few more servings. After what seemed like the 8th serving, I stopped. I decided I am full and not to eat anymore.

The two of them then said that I should have listened to their advice if I want to "live longer" - obviously they were joking.

And incidentally, many of my friends have been telling to digest and accept their advice if I wanted to, and most coincidentally with the same words used, "live longer".

Well, to all, I ignored.

Perhaps they should know that I am someone who can only be halted by myself. Nothing will stop what I want to do, unless I am convinced that I do not want it anymore by my own willingness. Not the sound advice on cholestrol, not threats of dying, not even evidently and intentionally proving me that the "Cod Fish" is not good for me.

And that is me. Not even the piece of oily Cod Fish can move me by intentionally showing to me that it is too oily and not suitable for my palate. People have never been able to tell me what to do, no matter how evidential or justified their point was, and not even the object itself.

I am that hopeless a mule. Simply because, I think it is time, I learn to love myself a bit more. First of what I want to do, is to let the world revolve in a way I can control.

Well, weren't these what you people told me all these while?

I merely... am convinced. So bless me.

Faith

2010-04-26T00:04:00.003+08:00

Perhaps it is a test of faith.

But bad news after bad news after bad news is hard to conquer. Still I will keep the faith. Even if I have to die to keep this faith, I will.

Random Thoughts (V)

2010-04-22T22:13:00.006+08:00

Someone remarked me with a prideful accolade that I can write very well. From simple instances, I can magnify them into an inspiration, a romance or a lesson in life. The same person also said I can bring tears in my letters to people, even as a bystander reading the letters, he can grasp the way the words were emoted.

I feel honoured but in all rightfulness, I am not a very good writer.

Language errors aside, I always need something in life to trigger a thought or bring forth an inspiration. I have to constantly take a loan from an event, a dialogue or an item to establish my philosophies and using these things as an expression - snails, dreams, dragonboating, diving etc. And because English is not a primary language of study (I am Chinese educated - surprise! And more capable of writing betterChinese Proses), there are many phrases which are composed translatively. The rhetoric used in the writing is not a big deal either - only simple, common techniques like metaphoric or comparative etc are captured.

But if you ask me what can really make a piece of writing stand out and emote strongly, the formula is simple - be sincere. Allow every word and phrase to come from the heart and not the mind. Remember the person or people whom you are dedicating the piece of writing to; remember the happy memories and how much they meant to you; remember the appreciation that brew in you; remember the hopes and longing - with these few ingredients, even with the simplest sentences, the blandest ideas and the weakest grammatical structures, what you want to convey will take flight.

Allow the thoughts to flow through, without needful dressing, and write as you thought. If you are writing a letter to thank someone, think of that person and smile to yourself. Feel the appreciation in you before you pen. The words will, by themselves, come into form.

Only the heart can tell a story of warmth, love and sincerity. Ask it to help you.

Song Dedication: To my friend, Mary

2010-04-21T23:30:00.005+08:00

Try to Remember

Try to remember the kind of September
when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when you were a tender and callow fellow,
Try to remember and if you remember the follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
that no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it's nice to remember
altho you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
without the hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
the fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

Dear Evangeline

2010-04-17T10:41:00.008+08:00

Dear Evangeline,

I remember the first time I met you, was following a phone call to your department stating that if I do not get anyone to meet me, I will probably end up killing someone. The lady who answered the phone was Siti, and she had it real big from me. I verbally clubbed her into getting her to refer me to you. And the reason was simple. I was heading to Maldives and if I do not get some of these angst in me sorted out, I may end up doing devastating things in Earth's paradise.

Then we met.

Throughout the period we saw each other numerous times, I have often talked about myself and the issues I had which needed to be resolved. I have never made mention about you. So I thought perhaps I should and to let you know, for the past six months, how enormously big a role you have played in my life, despite only seeing you on occasions less than that I would see a friend. And what I value most in our time together is the ability for me to speak out aloud to you, from the malicious dark secrets in me, to my hopes and dreams. I do not have to skive out of the truth, deliberately fabricate nicknames and sugar events with discreet words. It means a lot to me being able to share with someone my thoughts, my hopes and my deliberations. That is how I began to value each time I see you.

There were many questions you were unable to answer for me, nor many things you were able to do for me. But for the listening ear, and the occasional advice, as well as how you opened my perceptions to things little by little, it made life so easy for me to accept. The positive encouragement you never failed to deliver gave me hope even during the past two months, which incidentally was the bleakest and worst time ever in my entire life. I have never lived life so devastatingly the way I did, with everyday gripping in fear and breaking down every minute being lost. And through your kind words, I found strength to persist.

I have come to a point which I do not know what is going to happen. Living in ambiguity is not easy. Dealing with adverse opinions and encouragement to what I believe is even harder. But the hardest is to find a reason to convince myself that my beliefs are right. And you supported me despite all the odds, including reality.

I have never really thanked you for the kindness you have shown me. I often believe kindness begets kindness - and maybe this kindness you are showing me, begets from the kindness I have shown to ...

Thank you for being there, and giving me inspirations to carry on. I will never ever forget them.

Best Wishes,
Alfred

UP

2010-04-10T12:22:00.004+08:00

I watched the Pixar movie "UP" again.

When I watched it last year on the big screen, it appeared to me as a very light-hearted animation that touches on the value of remembrance and how righteousness is independent of age and time. I was touched and thought it was better than 'Bolt' or my favourite 'Finding Nemo'.

Yet today when I watched it again, there was a segment that captured my thoughts. It was the scene where Fredricksen looked at the portrait of his late wife and decided to throw all the furniture out of his house in order that the balloons can elevate it and he could rescue Russell and Kevin.

When I watched this segment at the movies, I saw it as an uplifting moment of valour and righteousness, but today, I viewed it at a different vantage point. As Fredricksen put every piece of furniture out of the house, it reminded me the struggles we have, when we have to let the good old memories go, especially memories we once guarded with our affection, trust and patience.

Sometimes it is inevitable.

Three of my closest friends, and my cousin who grew up with me, told me at four unpremeditated occassions that I need to love myself more, and one way is to look forward to life and proceed into the future with a new direction. I hope that they will be able to understand how difficult it was at that moment for Fredricksen to throw his wife's favourite couch out of the house. Maybe to me some things are worthy enough only for me to see. Yet I am appreciative of their embracing words.

There is a reason for things to happen and in what we choose to do. And for why I had not chosen to put my furniture out of the house, I can only quote Dug the Talking Dog -

"I was hiding under your porch because I love you".

Extra Few Minutes

2010-02-20T10:59:00.012+08:00

I was in the office late in the evening last night and my loved one come online through the web messenger. Despite having an official end-work timing at 5.30pm, I would linger in office till 7.00pm and spend just a few moments to say hello over the messenger. And occasionally my loved one will ask for the company of a few minutes more to chat and the few minutes will very often stretch to an hour or so. This was a usual daily arrangement should we not be able to catch up in person due to perhaps our mismatching schedules.

Last night a colleague who was on her overtime work saw me from a distance and came up to me to check if I was alright because I was smiling constantly to the screen. She also inquired why I often stay back till that late and not head home given a very comfortable early evening closure for the day.

So I told her that my partner asked for a few more minutes to chat and talk over the messenger and we just had such a good conversation that it went on and on.

She said I was nice to linger for an hour or so to wait for this opportunity to talk online, and even more so to give more time into the night to talk, instead of heading home, or to the gymnasium for a workout or even to catch up with drinking buddies. However she thought it was getting late, and after a long hard day, I could always catch up another day when time is more rightful or permissive. She told me to pack up and go off for an enjoyable evening. After which, we wished me well and went off.

I remembered when I was young and babysat by my late grandmother, she would take me to the bus stop to wait for my parents to pick me up after work. And she will always bring me there five minutes ahead of time and would sit beside me and tell me a story while waiting for my parents to come by. And these additional five minutes by the bus stop, over my childhood years, have carved out some of my most precious and invaluable memories of her. And without these extra five minutes, I would never be able to recall my grandmother the way I do now, decades after her departure and still kept that wonderful memory of a gentle old lady telling me a tale every day by the roadside. And all these, were attributed to the extra few minutes she gave me. I am thankful for that.

So in return, I hope these few minutes after work chatting online with my loved one, will do the same magic to us, as that of my late grandma had done to me. And when we look back into our lives many years down the road, we will realize how the 'extra few minutes' we spent, would have written itself another beautiful chapter of story to our life.

Henceforth, when your loved one or children ask for a few more minutes to spend with you and before dismissing the request for any reasons, think a little harder, try a little harder and do your best to give them that priority and say yes even during your busiest days. Those few minutes, may over time, create some of your fondest life memories.

My Ex Boss

2010-02-18T19:41:00.003+08:00

If we talk about being forgiving, no one beats my ex boss. Not only he is a forgiving person, he is one person whom I know who can see the good in people even in the most unlikely situation. I have so much to learn from him and for once, I actually look up so respectfully to someone. He is exemplary to me and I will always remember my promise I gave to him.

This entry may be vague but I will keep it written because I want it to be registered in my written memories that such a wonderful person ever existed in my life.

The Little Crab

2010-02-08T12:47:00.005+08:00

I remember this month last year when I was in Tioman Island for a short getaway with a close friend. We were being spoiled by the clear waters and the pristine beaches, with a snorkeling reef to the envy of many.

On one of the sunny afternoons while lazing on the beach, we saw some little crittering crabs sprawled around the beach. My friend turned mischievous and started to throw stones at a few of them. The little crabs started running for their lives in all directions. I laughed at my friend's failed attempt to hit any of his 'targets'. To prove me wrong, he decided he must at least get one of the small crabs, so he targeted at specifically one.

The little crustacean ran for its life, as fast as it could. My friend picked a big stone and ran towards it. At that moment, I realized it is no longer funny. I wanted to tell him to forget about it and spare the little crab but was very apprehensive that the statement would deconstruct the diplomacy we had in this trip - after all I was the one who laughed at him.

Before I could say anything, the stone landed on the crab. By the time I picked up the stone, the little crab lay lifelessly on my hands.

If there is one thing I would not forgive myself for not being righteous at the right time, it would be this little crab and the incident at the beach on Tioman Island. I should have voiced out my disagreement to kill the little crab for our entertainment, even if there is the possibility of displeasure between me and my friend. The incident has been hitting on my conscience since that very day and no creatures big or small, should have their lives depleted in the form of our entertainment.

I still remembered the little crab and how it laid motionless on my hands. It was all just fun but also a regret I will bring with me till the end of my life journey.

Perfection (II)

2010-02-06T13:08:00.005+08:00

When you see perfection in someone, be him or her your spouse, lover, children or family, it is never about what you see, what he or she upholds for himself or herself, nor is it about flawlessness. When you see perfection in someone, it is because you love him or her truly to heart and you are willing to forgive and see beyond everything, every scratch and scar, and remember only the best in that person. Because of this, you are able to see the completeness in the person. That to me, is perfection.

Do you have a perfect person in your heart?

George

2010-02-03T12:52:00.007+08:00

Over the past two months, I have been frequenting the old Bedok market because a good friend's mother was warded in the nearby hospital, so after visitation this was our usual dinner joint. After our dinner at the nearby eateries, we would usually walk around the area, occasionally pop into the 24 hr Supermarket or many a times, we would walk over to this alley where we would meet a few stray cats, often hanging around the area.

Very often, along with our visitations, we will bring along a can of tin food or some table scraps from our eateries to give our new found feline friends a small treat. There were three female cats, small in stature and utterly cute. They would respond to our "cat-call" and the moment they saw us, they would sped to us from where they were, followed by affectionate purrs to hint that they were hungry.

And to one corner, there was one very shy cat. An orange coloured cat, male, with a stumpy tail. We called him George with no particular reasons, simply because he looked George.He would not come anywhere near us, though he would always stay a distance away. Occasionally he will heave a small mew to hint to us about his presence so that we can tip a small spoonful of tin food for him as well.

As time went by, he became more and more familiar with us and after a few weeks, George finally allowed me to touch him, followed by a gentle purr. However, he will always stay at one corner and never come near to the girls because the feminine felines were quite nasty towards their "boy-next-door". After I patted him, I gave him a huge chunk of the tuna I had and he devoured hungrily before he gave me a purr again and disappeared.

It was since 3 weeks that I last notice George. He did not respond to my call which he usually did, always hiding at one corner. Last night, while feeding the cats at the alley, we met a n elderly lady who is also a keen fan of this group of cats. We had a short conversation and I happened to speak of George.

"That orange cat?" she said in Mandarin, "he's dead. He was run down by a car 3 weeks ago just over at that carpark."

At that moment I felt a terrible sinking feeling. Quite un-explainable I must say, since George is not my own cat nor a pet I see everyday. But to hear the news of his demise was a big pain. After dishing out food for the remaining cats and give each of them a pat, we drove home. On the way back, I thought of George and how the one and only time he allowed me to pat him and offered his purr became the last of what I will remember of him.

I laid on bed last night thinking of George. It was a sad thing that happened, but sadder that life can be so unpromising. It also reminded me never to take the existence anything or anyone for granted for the moment of happiness is never eternal or continual.

I will remember George for a long, long time. The alley will never be the same without him.

Closeness

2010-01-21T13:18:00.004+08:00

I drew this picture for a friend.
I want to talk about it
but
I am in a loss of words.
I will leave it here as it is.

The Moray Eel

2010-01-06T10:26:00.006+08:00

One of the most fearful underwater creatures
is the Moray Eel.
One bite, you can lose your fingers.
This is backed-up by its wicked look,
the constant snarling of it jaws
and
the way it glares at you.

However, with a lucky vantage point
it can be a most adorable fish.
As photographed.

Life is about perspectives.
A repulsive sea-serpent look-alike fish,
with a dangerous reputation
can be
an amazingly cute fish
if
it is
looked upon at the
right time and place.

This 'right time' and 'right place'
should always be
one destination
we should constantly seek
in life.
Because
it is bound to
Happiness.

Random Thoughts (2)

2010-01-04T14:31:00.007+08:00

It has been eons since I logged into an old blog account elsewhere and it is nice to see familiar bloggers ranting as what they used to do a couple years ago. Little has changed but much has evolved. Yet certain things will always be there.

I have read about how people I know broke away from relationships familiar to me; how the love of yesteryear becomes regret and how people still groped upon unhappiness as they journeyed into time. I guess it is all up to the individual, and that each of us has a choice, to choose to be happy or to linger with unhappiness of the past. That, to each his own.

Over the years, I have slowly learned to understand that while relationship changes, and we break away from people whom we are/were fond of, something will not change ie. we are unable to 'unlove' the particular person we gave our affection to in the past. There are people whom we change our minds about because of the circumstances that occurred and brought about angst and frustrations. I too, have a fair share of them. But time has taught me to bring only with the nice memories, and leave the others in the past, because we only have that little time for us as we move ahead. So I have chosen to remember these people, not for the shortchange they impose onto my life, but the laughter, smiles and happiness they brought to me in our little time together. And this makes a happy me, with delightful memories of even people, whom I do not really like for now.

I hope this note finds anyone reading it - safe, reassured and most of all, happy. Happiness is a choice, please choose it.

New Year Resolutions

2010-01-01T12:08:00.001+08:00

I do not make New Year Resolutions anymore
because I believe resolutions should be made
whenever we know it is time to right the wrong
not just during the beginning of the year.

But if I should need to cite a resolution
just because it is New Year again,
it'd be the same which I kept in 2009
that

I want you to be happy.

And To Call It A Day For Christmas

2009-12-27T18:31:00.006+08:00

And Christmas came, and Christmas left. Maybe not in some of your part of the world as yet, you have twelve days, but in mine, boxing day is probably the last of the Christmas icon. In a few days, we will welcome 2010. And for many, including myself, it is probably a time to look back.

There are many things happened to me in 2009, some regretful, some happy, some heartwarming, some, maybe indifferent. But of the many things that happened, I have taken some time to think, and then slowly to list them down here, in a sequence of ten. Many of you may not know me as in person, just as a silent blogger, but for those who do, you will probably understand how these things mentioned below changed my life, fulfilling a prophecy once spoken of me that 2009 is a life turning point for me.

In 2009, I have seen the world far more than most people did. In fact over the span of the year, I have seen more of the world than all time time put together over the past 30 odd years I have lived. I have seen the pristine beaches of Maldives, an unknown island paradise off Lombok, the architecturally breathtaking design of Istana Budaya in Kuala Lumpur, and to actually witness a musical written in Malay language in it. I went to the Philippines, surfed the waves for the first time in Bali, oh, and made a handful of friends over a diving course in Kota Kinabalu, one of whom became a close friend. I played my first tennis game in 2009, was disastrous - full of laughter and fun. I saw the magnificent Angkor Wat again, to realize this wonder of the world, is actually just a building to me because the wonder of my life was by my side all the while. And most of all, I had the best birthday ever celebrated in 2009, alongside with the most precious gift of company given to me all over the year.

But most importantly, in 2009, I found myself and know what I want in life. Not many people will be able to understand why I did certain things at times, the sacrifices I made, the dethroning of my own capabilities and the emulsification of generosity and feeling of wanting and hoping. Perhaps some of you may know, and I only hope friends will understand me a little better and forgive me a little more when I failed them.

2009 is coming to an end and I would like to specifically thank the few very special people (who may by chance come upon this entry) that made life so special for me. You guys know who you are. Thank you for making 2009 such a wonder for me. I will remember your kindness.

Here's to a good 2010 and hope things will fit in nicely for everyone.

God bless.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T01:39:00.004+08:00

Thank You.
Thank you so much,
to the people

who come across this blog
and offer me your friendship
even if it is just through a comment or two.
The world is big and vast,
the populations come in the zillions,
but people meet
facelessly,
with no expectations,
yet exudes kind thoughts
for one another
through writings and sharing,
through memories and thoughts,
through beliefs and care.

And this because
He made these miracles come true.
I cherish each and every of your wisdom
which you share with me
and more so
your friendship.

Merry Christmas dear friends,
and have a truly Blessed New Year.

Birthdays

2009-12-17T19:53:00.002+08:00

I was once told by a cynical friend - birthdays should not be celebrated but mourned, because we are all born to die. And each transiting year, is an indication that we are one step gearing towards our grave.

In some sense, this is logical. But the only thing in the statement I would not concur, is that birthdays should not be celebrated but mourned. Perhaps my dear friend had forgotten, that we live not only to die, but to create generous and beautiful memories. And these memories are the reasons for us to be glad that we have lived through each stage of our lives.

We celebrate birthdays because we celebrate the wonderful journey we have completed. We celebrate what we have left over the years, the trails of stories and the moments we created for ourselves and our loved ones. We celebrate birthdays because we have a reason to look back, not necessary to smile and be grateful, but to be able to reminisce the journeys we made, that wrote our own stories.

Separations are some of the hardest things in life. But that does not mean that we should be all wary about it. It is the days which we share, before the eventual separation that makes living worth it while. We do not evade the ultimate return journey to God, but receive our home-going by living a life bestowed by Him - with Love, with Grace, with Hope, with Joy and in doing so, leave some footprints for our cherished ones to remember.

I once told my loved one :

"If you can only live 100 days more, I will make sure I will live at least a day longer, so that you will never have to be alone, and to suffer the aching pain of separation."

And this is the reason why I live each day with fulfillment.

The Two Faces of Santa Claus (II)

2009-12-12T19:19:00.004+08:00

I believe in Santa Claus.

Not because he is real or he does really exist. I believe in Santa Claus because to me, he is a symbolic figure of hope. And even the strongest and sternest personality, will need hope to find meaning in life.

The festive colours, the shimmering lights, the Reindeers and the carols - one may say, hey do we need all these fancy frees to dress up the occasion - an occasion to spread the message of hope. And in the first place, do we even need to put aside a day in the annual calendar to remind us the season of love and sharing. Perhaps this is rather a subjective question because different people do have different way of functioning in this aspect.

Remember the days we watch films when Dracula flies in from the dark skies and the Vampire hunter pulls out a cross, and our poor vampirish fiend retreated back into the darkness cursing and swearing. And we all know, the vampire is not afraid of the cross, but by the faith to God bound to the symbolic item.

The role of Santa Claus is reminiscent to the cross in this sense. Santa is basically hope put into concrete form. And because he is the portrayal of Good hope and tidings, he brings with him happiness and possibilities - to make wishes come true. The same way Christmas is brought into the picture, by a fixation of a day (in along with the noble celebration of the birth of Christ), and to let this day remind us of the true meaning - to love, to share and to reunite.

To understand the profound existence of Santa Claus, we ought to remember he is there to generate a belief in possibilities. Same way as Andrew Llyod Webber's The Starlight Express and the miracle vitamin pill parable (where a sick man is made to believe an ordinary vitamin is a miracle potion, and he believed he will get well after which. And he did, because he healed himself by giving himself hope).

So do not perceive Santa Claus as the fat old man throwing presents all over the world garnering favour and admiration. That is not what he is trying to tell us, not the impression that one is only good when he has presents to give. Looking beyond, see him as a possibility to the impossibility. There is really no Santa Claus. But there are millions of Santa-s out there. And this is the simplest exemplification of when you believe, there will be. This is the message Santa brought along.

Finally, see the good in things. Instead of remembering all the kissing and tickling mommy did with Santa under the mistletoe, remember this: Through the years we will be together, if the fate allows. Hang a shining a star on the highest bough, and have a merry little Christmas now.

The Two Faces of Santa Claus (I)

2009-12-11T10:34:00.009+08:00

I do not believe in Santa Claus.

Not for the fact that reindeers really cannot fly, but I always have this doubt that how his little sack can contain presents for all the people who believe in him. Even if each present is the size of a grain of sand, that bag still would not be big enough to contain all of it. And of course, how did he manage to go round the world in less than 12 hours, and amazingly for him to squeeze through the Chimney to get down into the houses... given his voluptuous size.

Back to the reindeers - Listen to the song "Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer", I find it quite disturbing because it speaks of how this reindeer with a blinking red nose was ostracized by the other normal ones, but because Santa saw good in him as the lead reindeer (probably he knew he doesn't need headlights for his sleigh), the others adore him. It is sending the wrong message, the way Hans C Anderson sent the wrong message in the Ugly Duckling - only when you are a swan that people see the good in you.

But it is not just the cynical me. Looking at all the lights, the season's mood, the food and family gatherings, I wonder why each day cannot be reminiscent of Christmas. Why do we not feel the same hunger and anticipation to be with our loved ones and need that special day to put things in perspective - the same way why we need Thanksgiving to give us a reason to fly home from work far away to be with our kins, when the thought does not arise in perhaps the hot summer months when there is no Christmas or Thanksgiving. This is something I don't quite understand - the reliance of a message or purpose brought about by a festive season to propel us to conform to the need to "love" and "share".

So Santa Claus and Rudolf are out for me. Not because of they are so unreal but they are delivering not just presents but wrong messages. Children around the world love Santa because he gives presents. That is a blatant fact. We don't love and adore people because they give presents, especially presents from Santa, which came with a wrong message. And it is easy to picture a kid opening a present and saw not what he or she wants and then burst into tears. Poor Santa, he'd be a no more to the kid unless dad forks out the dough to buy the 'correct' present. And dad will be loved until he gets the same Boo Boo of buying the wrong present.

Santa should deliver the right messages, not the right presents. We have been made to believe that he will give you what you want - so he deserve that global adoration. This should not be the message of Christmas. Can you imagine if one day Santa comes by, and say "Hey son, no pressies, just a good warm hug this time." - "Bye old man, the exit's that way."

And of course, I don't think good of Santa Claus also because I thought he need to be more... let's say 'professional'. The last thing I'd like to see is my mommy kissing and tickling Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe 'last night', I would certainly not hope if Daddy has only seen. I have enough of family woes.

(To be continued)

Email dated 5 December 2009

2009-12-05T12:43:00.010+08:00

It is such a nice morning today, and I hope you have had a nice night. It was very burdening for you over the past week and I really hope things at work and home will settle in a little nicer for you in the days ahead.

I had a nightmare yesterday - I do not know what the gist of it was, I have already forgotten, but I remember seeing you in it. We were in some old village huts and there was a beast (sort of like a T-Rex kind of dinosaurous creature) lurking around. We were rather frightened and you told me to stay in the hut and not to make any noise as the creature would peer through the windows to look for anyone or anything moving.

As we hid under the table, I saw fear in your eyes - the same fear and apprehension I saw in your eyes when I saw you last Saturday at Changi hospital when things were not quite right for your mom. And I feel the same helplessness. As you sat quietly under an old table, I told you not to worry, stay low and I will lure the creature away so that you can make way home safely. I did not wait for your reaction and I headed of out the hut.

I don't want you to be frightened anymore.

I could not remember what came later into the dream but it is not important. What really signified to me in this dream, is how life allowed us, even though in just a dream, to share the burdens of fear, apprehension and its downside together. In life I believe people come together not only to enjoy the various miracles and happiness, but give strength and courage to each other when there is a need to, like the way you have always given me. I am happy that we are able to share the same fear in this fictitious scenario. It may be worrisome, it may be chilling but it is my privilege, to be able to stay with you in such times.

So I hope, you would allow me to "run out of the hut to lure the creature away" for you, at times when I can. That is probably the least I can do for you, but it means a lot to me, more than you can imagine.

Promise me to take good care, and remember me always when life is unkind to you and you need someone to help shoulder the woes, because this is one of the greatest reason why I choose to, and want to walk into your life.

Always,

...

All Things Great And Small

2009-12-01T13:42:00.005+08:00

All things great and small
are the creations of God -
and who are we -
mere mortals who claim to have souls above all -
to determine the inferiority of other life forms
which we have somehow forgotten in our condescension
that
they too
are the creations of our same Father.
So
Live and let live
and enjoy the wonders of life
by seeing life grow itself,
and accept that
the value of life
is not measured by how big or mighty we are
not even if we are given a soul or otherwise
but in how we appreciate
the others
which He brought to us
in peace
with empathy
and
for us to love.

Happiness

2009-11-27T13:35:00.001+08:00

Have you ever asked your inner self, very truthfully, - "Am I happy?"

I Have A Dream

2009-11-25T11:08:00.001+08:00

I have a dream. And this dream kept me going, even during the harshest of times, and gave me consolation whenever I have pit falls. It soothed the pain I get from people, friends and even family. It gave me the notion that 'everything is worth it' and because of this, I garnered courage to face the harsh world.

I have a dream. And this dream made my life meaningful. Every thing I did, I found a purpose and it was a joy to live with a purpose. Every step I moved towards this dream, I began to find happiness emit from my inner self, something contridicting to my beliefs in acquiring happiness, which to me, is always extrinsic.

I have a dream. And this dream allowed me to see beyond the small world I was trapped within myself. It propelled me to walk towards my outer self where I see things which my eyes could not see in the past. I crept out of the little well and saw the beautiful sea. There is so much to learn and see in this world God put together for us, and this dream telescopically allowed me to witness all these miracles.

I have a dream. And this dream opened my heart. I have learnt to love and more so, more and more unconditionally. I have learnt to receive hurt because I believe without the hurt, the heart will always be hollow. So I gain perseverance in this path of my life - and learn that life is not all about happiness, it is about finding happiness.

I have a dream. And my dream is to make another person's bigger dream come true. And because of this, I garner stamina, and give my life meaning, because I have a dream for another's to come true.

I have a dream, and this dream is you.

Yet Another Dream

2009-11-23T10:19:00.010+08:00

People say dreams unfold our subconsciousness and sometimes, reveal an answer to our own uncertainties, especially when the answer was long embedded inside us.

I had a dream.

It must be due to 2012. I do not watch catastrophic movies, because there were simply too much departures, separations and darkness.

In my dreams, as vividly as I recall now, was an on-coming catastrophe, ready to hit where I lived and there were commotion and anxiety aplenty. People screaming, babies crying and the ground shook at times. From far, I could see satellites of meteoroids streaming down from the skies, beautifully, yet devastatingly. The nearby building crumbled as the each massive rock hit the infrastructures. People cried out aloud, people fear. The anxiety was intense and the fright in each our hearts to flee for our lives was intensive.

My family was all packing and ready to join the migrating crowd into shelters and refuges into the entrance of the underground train station nearby. My brothers were packing their bags and food, even caging our family cat ready. After which, we took all our belongings and headed for the nearest entrance to the underground station. There were hordes of people, some injured, some traumatized and all wanting to live the day.

My family stuck on together and we finally made way to the entrance of the underground station. But at the entrance of the shelter, I took up a lot of courage and changed my mind.

I told my parents I am thankful to them for what they have given me over the years and how they taught and raised me. But I will not be going into the shelter with them. I told them and in exact words translated from Cantonese - "If we survive all these, I will try to locate you again. All of you must stay together. I cannot go with you." Then I bade them farewell and went off against the on-coming crowd.

Even in dreams, some things, you will never forget. Some promises. Some priorities in life.

I cannot and won't leave you alone.

The Small White Car

2009-11-20T13:21:00.004+08:00

Read: The Small White Car

Finally the day came and the little white car had to go to the garage. 26 years is too long a time to keep the vehicle going. Today my father drove the little white car for the last time to the garage. Alongside, he went with me and my mother.

After some paperwork settlement, the mechanic came and drove the little white car into the metal dump. Slowly.

As the car headed away from my parents, I saw my father and mother looking at the distancing car, hands held, and firmly. And I could vividly hear my father whisper 'Thank you' to my mother.

The car may have become another fragment of memories, but I am very sure some things, will never be forgotten.

Photoshop

2009-11-16T15:55:00.012+08:00

Last night I asked my youngest brother to take some nice photos of me, so that after I lived my life in this world, I will have some nice memories to share with those who are still around.

Being not only an excellent photographer (www.bythewei.com) , he also has a terrific knack in Photoshop touch ups. I told him he must intensively use Photoshop to make me look good since the photos are meant for mementos.

Being one crude and blunt person my brother always is, he took a look at me and sniggered. I was expecting a foul remark when he said, "I always thought if there is one person I really do not need Photoshop to make him or her look better, it would be you. That's how highly I hold you in regard if you want to know."

I haven't been speaking much to my brother over the past 8 years. I didn't realize how much I had missed over the years till that very moment.

A Comment

2009-11-13T13:59:00.005+08:00

I was reading a beautiful entry in Alicia's blog and made the following comment. I thought, maybe I would share with those who chance upon this page and believe in what I hold in my faith.

Many many years ago, I actually taught in an elementary school as a fresh graduate from the College of Education. I was asked how the world began in existence during one of the Science lessons. I took off my watch, dissembled it into many small parts - the screws, the analog pins, the straps, the casing, the battery and then put it in a box. I told my kids to shake the box and see the watch will be put together by itself and after which, functions. One by one, they tried, different ways of shaking it and tossing it. In the end, they gave up. So I told them to leave it alone for a day and see if it will come back together on its own. The next day we came back to the topic again and re-examined the watch. Nothing changed and the watch was still in pieces. So I asked them, how did they think I can get the watch to get going again. One of the boys told me - we can put it back and fix it, so that it will run again.

And we did.

* We put the different pieces of the watch together and then gave it life by switching it on *

I asked if I had answered their question on how the world began and a boy put up his hand and said, "Someone made it."

The Little Snail

2009-11-11T20:21:00.000+08:00

Being sick and alone at home, I picked up a book in the old trunk to browse and read, in order that time pass a little faster, so that this displeasing day will end faster than it should. Amidst all the stories and articles, I found a very nice story and would like to share with readers of this blog.

I do not know if the message given to me is the same as any of the others but this story touched me and it recaptured things contained within me which I had not expressed to many others. I would like to share this little story with all of you.

The Little Snail

I am just a little snail. I have no one to talk to, so I will write down my story alone. I have a shell to live in and protect me from those who will hurt me. My shell is strong and hard and fitted exactly right to me. There are so many evil beings, if I am not eaten I will surely be maimed carelessly by the monsters outside. That's why I have never left my shell. For I am just a little snail and I have only it to talk to.Yesterday, I saw two snails out of their shells. How naive, putting their lives in danger for a few moments of dance and a game of tag. I have never danced or played tag, but I am sure I would not be much good at them. Besides, the risk is much too great to leave my shell. For I am just a little snail.

Fortunately, I have learned to accept my disposition. Although every once in a while, I see a snail out of its shell running and laughing with the others smiling and touching; my heart heats with envy and aches to run free, to feel the cool breeze softly run across my bare back, to roll my toughened belly in the sand, to feel the warmth of another snail's hand in mine. But I have never left my shell, for my life depends on it. I think that perhaps I would not be much good at these things, and that perhaps, they would not be much good to me, for they are just dreams and the risk is too great to see if they might be real. Besides my shell is so strong and safe, and I am just a little snail.

Even if I were to come out -- only for a second -- who would be there to hold my hand? I am certain the fear would break me -- if I were alone without my shell. My shell is so strong and safe, there is no reason to leave it. That kind of fun is not for me. I have my dreams. Dreams aren't meant to come true. That's all I know -- the security of my shell, my dreams, and the fear of being out of my shell. Often I forget all about leaving my shell, so I know no fear at all.

Well that's my story. I know it is short, but I have no one to talk to, so I seldom think at all. For I am just a little snail.

Borobudur December 2008

2009-11-08T11:11:00.003+08:00

To quote a good friend,

"Some things you will never forget."

Random Thoughts (I)

2009-11-07T13:04:00.003+08:00

I was told by someone close to heart not be an overly sentimental person because it weakens me. And losing control on emotions and let affection take rule over the rationality can be very risky - especially in making decisions pertaining to life, work and on people.

This was shown lately when I have decided to take on the wrap at work in order that a subordinate will be able to keep her job which i know she needs to keep her family going, yet I have to serve an unjustified penalty - a substantial price to pay for absolutely nothing advantageous in return.

But I am who I am. I believe amongst this weakness, there is strength. And this strength will not be found in people who are pragmatic and rational. While I have to burden myself with blame not founded by my own actions or accord, I found peace and contentment to know that a colleague of mine will be able to sleep peacefully every night and that her children and family will continue to enjoy the happiness of each day's routines.

I believe there is nothing wrong remembering, loving and honouring people who made a difference in my life, even if over a magnitude which the public eyes deem as undeserving. Being able to see the good in people is a pathway to acquire the bits and pieces of joy as we travel our journeys to seek happiness. This is the spine of my life philosophy.

I told my boys months ago before I moved on - "When making decisions, let it capture the rationality in your minds, but before affirming it, let it pass through your heart and fliter it through what your parents taught you in the first ten years of your life, then you won't be far from being right."

During the first ten years of my life, my parents taught me... they taught me how to love. Unconditionally.

Sunset

2009-11-05T22:11:00.003+08:00

Everything I do,
Every adventure I am willing to go through,
Every burden I undertake for you
Is without regret.
And it will not change,
Like the setting sun every dusk,
We saw at Maldives,
Nothing will change.

Taken from John's Note

2009-11-01T14:02:00.000+08:00

'The best and most beautiful things in the world

cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.'

The Little Girl

2009-10-24T12:29:00.004+08:00

Abc says:
the little girl sat on the boat and cried when i took the photograph

Reply says:
why?

Abc says:
her friends didn't want to play with her

Reply says:
oh i see

Abc says:
cos she sort of 'cheated' or did something not rightful in one of the games

Reply says:
i see

Abc says:
and she 'cheated' because she wants to make herself more significant so that her 'team' could find her more 'useful' and allow her to be the goalkeeper or sorts in the game they were playing

Abc says:
i sat down and watched the whole incident take place

Sometimes we do the silliest things, simply because we want to feel important, at least in the eyes of those who are important to us.

Mastering the Art of French Cooking

2009-10-22T10:42:00.007+08:00

I had the pleasure of watching the movie Julie and Julia last night (starring Meryl Streep) and it was indeed a very pleasant 2 1/2 hours - entertaining, enriching, and most of all enlightening.

Several lessons were extracted from this movie, and to me the most valuable ones I probably had garnered, would be -

1. Too many cooks may spoil the broth, but always remember that there are times, we cannot handle everything alone, and will need the help from others. Just ask and don't frame your mind to your assumptions. The most unlikely person may be the one who would be able to help you with all you need. (On Cooking Lobsters)

2. Food can be overcooked, burnt or even turned out purple. But if you have the determination to clean up the mess, relight the fire and start all over again, you can cook a good dinner eventually. Mistakes are certainties in our lives but never disrupting if we have the determination to wash the pots and start all over again. (On Beef Stew)

3. There are many a times we cook a meal for a grand purpose. When your very important and hopeful invited guest did not turn up just because it rained, remember your husband is still there with you to enjoy the dinner. Never overlook the people standing by your side during the biggest disappointment. They have a reason to be there. (On A Special Dinner Guest)

4. No one speaks out to the darkness; Just like this blog, it does not reach a lot of people. But it is the value of sharing that matters, irrespective whether how many will hear or listen to you. So, keep doing what you enjoy – you never know who is watching, reading, or listening, and the magic may have changed their lives even without you knowing. (On Julie's Blog)

5. And finally, the one final lesson that really touches me - a person is to us, whom and how we think he or she to be, not who he or she actually is. And this thought, should be very the reason why we choose to accept, and love him or her. It brings happiness. (Julia Hates Me)

It was a nice movie, albeit a little long, but I had a very nice evening sitting right in front of the screen, no popcorns or drinks, just enjoying and understanding it.

Scribbles On The Sand

2009-10-15T10:44:00.005+08:00

I really mean it. Really do.

Email dated 3 October 2009

2009-10-03T16:56:00.010+08:00

It's Saturday and I hope your sleep-in was a great one.

I met my JC Econs teach Miss Chin yesterday at the Borders Bookshop. It was quite nice to see my Econs tutor again after so long, and well nothing much has changed about her, not even "Miss"! But she's nice. We had a good twenty-minute chat outside the shop and then exchanged numbers. So I told her what I am currently doing and somehow the conversation diverted to recruitment of temporary staff and applications for new headcount for the forthcoming year.

She said, for all the irrelevance we spoke of Economic theories, now a few can be applicable to real life incidents. She asked for me to remember the Law of Marginal Diminishing Returns in managing headcount, to find the maximum input so that output can be placed on an optimum level. It was funny, like after so many years we are still at Economics theories but I am thankful being able to meet Miss Chin again after so long.

In simple words, this marginal diminishing returns explains that the satisfaction level of a consumer will increase upon receiving returns until an optimum point, then this satisfaction wll start to decline. It's like having a buffet meal, terrific for a start, until a certain point one will get sick of it (or bloated) and begin to detest the food, satisfaction declines.

I hated the Law of Marginal Diminishing Returns, having to remember all the graphs and keywords in explaining the theory (I think I STILL have that green coloured Econs textbook!). The hardest was of course to debate if this theory can stand - or only given certain entities or outputs - for there are some things in life that doesn't succumb to a downward diminishing trend like money.

However, if Miss Chin were to question me now on this debate on the theory, though I may not tell her outright, I will tell her this theory will not stand very well for me on one matter. Money-aside which is never as important to me as it is to others, I think if I were to only relate one very blatant exclusion to the marginal diminishing returns to me, it will be you - your company, your presence, your safety, your happiness, thoughts of you and the affection that was given to me by you.

It wasn't really difficult to answer the question, though I'd probably wont score good marks for answering this way. It doesn't matter, because every person/thing has different worth to different individuals, and to me, I have spoken what means most to me, and so much that there are and will not have any diminishing returns.

Time will prove how true it can be for the way I feel, what I think and say to you.

Have a good Saturday and may the rain brings with it lots of relaxing moods for you the way it does for me.

Yours always,
Just me.

Tremours

2009-10-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

You: You know, I have gotten so fat, that when I jumped just now, it caused the ground to shake and you all felt the tremours.

Me: Nope. The reason why people felt the tremour was because I look at your photo of your new haircut, I was so exhilarated and intrigued that my heart pounded wildly, that's why there were tremours.

You: I am now so fat nobody wants me.

Me: Yup, and oh, my middle name is "nobody".

Farewell to September

2009-09-30T11:22:00.006+08:00

Time and tide waits no man.

I recall it was a month ago when I put an entry into this blog on September and how this particular month changed my life. Every September, I will recall that roller-coaster swing that made my empty life into one filled with full of reasons to live on, albeit some pain and remorse along the way. It was well worth every minute since that faithful place.

And now comes October.

While September changed my life and gave it a renewed direction, October gave me a purpose. I recall the days in October where I first knew how to genuinely care and love another person; how I realise the worth of sacrifice to exchange for another person's happiness; how I began to feel that anticipation which I have long forgotten and how the once-upon-a-time dream of mine woke me up into reality.

And so September closes today, I shall remember the fondness of the past four weeks, the colours and lights of the festive season, the strength in fasting, the delight of new experiences, the company of a new friend into a world both of us were fascinated, and never the least, the day when I was made the happiest man in the world. And as I bid September farewell, I will remember the month closely at heart. I hope that October will bring with it the genuine happiness I was given in the preceding year, and to remember once again the promises made to people, the assurance I conferred to those who relied on me and never the least, the vows I have given to God.

I thank life for yet another beautiful September and I look forward to the many memorable Septembers which I am hopefully allowed to live, in time to come.

Layang Layang

2009-09-29T23:31:00.003+08:00

"I want to go to Layang Layang."

And we shall go to Layang Layang.
As long as you are happy,
I will go to the end of the world with you.

Judging Others

2009-09-22T09:00:00.011+08:00

One of my worst flaws in the past, is to put judgment on others based on my belief. I tend to see people indifferently because they have a different view or principle to what I hold and then impose a judgment of incapability and adversity on them. It made things worse as someone who once had control over assessments, whether academically or professionally. Arguments were taken subjectively and the ability to see others' vantage points was mildly feeble. Those who were like-minded would reside in my good books and the otherwise would suffer the consequence of having an ideology which I did not agree to.

The flaw was further improvised on others' life decisions socially or emotionally - whether they sought the right partners or whether their decisions to acquire property were appropriate. And differences set in leading to my disagreement, I would impose a judgment on their sensibility and after which, assumed the lesser of them.

However, over the year or so, I was given an opportunity to open my eyes to many things. Things I have not seen before and words I thought I would never hear - the way people accepted my irrational decisions, the way people accepted and forgave my impenitence over and over again. People who trusted me despite failing them and most importantly, people who accepted me for who I am.

And then, I realized judgment is indeed a tool of devastation. Because if we spent too much time judging others, assuming for others and concocting who is right and who is wrong, we lose out the same amount of time we can spend to understand and love them.

And it is only with empathy and love, our lives will be well worth living.

I have learnt my lesson and I hope to share my morning thoughts with anyone coming across this entry.

And So We Met (II)

2009-09-20T01:38:00.002+08:00

And so we met on 20 September. Suddenly life became so much more meaningful, insightful and worthy of living it well.

I have not regretted a single a day since 20 September.

It shall always be so.

Choices

2009-09-19T23:06:00.010+08:00

There's this atypical question that was asked during one of our get-togethers lately. Not exactly a perfect situation to ask, but someone did. And to make it worse, I was selected to be the first one to answer in front of a crowded audience.

I was asked - if your mother and your loved one both fell off a boat, and you can only save one, who would you save first?

I told them, if I am give this ultimatum, I will save my loved one first.

There was a small commotion of disagreement, then an auntie voiced out aloud to me - young man, she said, how can you say that - there is only one mother for each of us - and you can always have another loved one.

I shook my head on her answer and told her that she lacked the proper perception of individualism. There is only ONE of EVERYONE, whether the person exist as our parent, sibling, kin, friend or even just a colleague. Every one is an independent individual. And there are better suggestions to why 'mother' would be a preferred answer to "loved one', but definitely not cos there's only one mother and loved ones can come in aplenty.

I told her, similarly, she can cull one of three daughters since she can always give birth to another one and set the number back to three, if I were to base things on her justification and reasoning.

There was even a greater roar of disagreement. I could have sworn the audience wanted me out of the room because I have proven the point, and that I value my loved one more than my mother in this unreasonable ultimatum I was given.

Why must there be a fixed priority in life for our love for people around us? Why must certain people always come in a higher priority than others so that the society will accept us as proper?

I loved my mother more than anything else I can think of. But I love my loved one a little more. Am I wrong for this? Is the society going to drain me because I have chosen to love in this way? Are you going to look down on me and see me any lesser because of this? And why?

In The End

2009-09-15T14:30:00.005+08:00

When the day fails me despite my hopefulness and positivity, it is you who gave me my missing sunshine for the day.

Life has been kind to me, no doubt.

Thinking of You

2009-09-13T01:41:00.000+08:00

Today, while lying on the bed within the four collapsing walls of my bedroom nursing a lonely heart, the phone beeped at 8:32:28 PM with a text message.

"Thinking of You" - it says.

It is a wonderful feeling to be thought of by someone, especially one who is so dear to me. And at the gratifying instance, I realized every solitary moment was worth the agony; every difficult time was worth the hardship, and every period of anger melts into springs of smile.

A simple thought, a simple gesture, a simple message - made my evening, and this Sunday a worthy one.

夜归之路

2009-09-12T19:41:00.003+08:00

若不夜归，也不知原来实里达住区的夜幕，是如此的迷漫，如此的绚丽。

短短曲路，从杨厝港公路直步到家门，不仅十来分钟路程。二排街灯，在星夜星宿燃亮着道路，为黑夜撒下了希望，给予夜归者指南，给予方向。万籁俱寂的夜空下，冥响着我的漫步声，在无节奏的蟋蟀之歌中，添下了节拍。步声的微响在寂静住区中回嚷，仿佛江南山中稻民的山歌，唱出了夜归人之无奈与疲惫。

路有弯曲，也有直划。山丘时而高，忽而低。短短路路程画出了人生的一幅意图。在黑夜中不俱迷茫的生命步行者，体验着人生的高低起落，唯几盏淡黄色的引路之灯，勇于踏步，为的，只是盼于回家，盼于体验家之温暖、盼于候者之笑容。

星夜星辰，就写这如此一股诚厚的盼望。

若不夜归，也不知原来实里达住区的夜幕，是如此的迷漫，如此的绚丽。

Thank You

2009-09-11T23:22:00.005+08:00

I received three 'Thank You' messages from three different people on my phone today.

[11/9/2009 6:31]
thanks v.v.much for all your help, kindness and grace you have extended 2mi... really really appreciate it.

[11/9/2009 8:57]
thank you very much for your kind understanding. really appreciate it.honestly im still weak and drowsy but wouldn't wanna trouble others 2 cover me. once again, thank you.

[11/9/2009 10:34]
thank you. I know you are doing this to help me. I appreciate it very much.

I have done three good deeds and touched the lives of three people today. If there are any good returns to be given to me. I wish that whatever good that comes back to me from these three good things I have done to people, be given to you, as three good reasons to smile and be happy tomorrow.

I just want you to be happy. That's all.

09-09-09

2009-09-09T12:07:00.006+08:00

Someone sent me an email this morning and asked me to share my minute-long thoughts when the clock stroke 09:09:09 on 09-09-09.

I told her it’s a once in the history of time phenomenon and because of this, many will tend to remember this 09:09:09 on 090909. However, looking deeper into it, it is basically just a nice set of numeric series. We should see beyond nice numerical sequences like these and learn to appreciate every second that clocked by. Each second is unique and occurs once in the history of time, just as 09:09. Then you will realize there are actually other “seconds” that are more worthy of our memories, just like an untidy 10:41:12 on 281008 for me.

Every moment is precious and we should learn to appreciate them as much as 090909, if not more.

Have you ever...

2009-09-08T18:32:00.005+08:00

Have you ever been lonely before? Have you ever sat in the vacant office, looking out at the dimming skies and wished that life can be more vibrant than the whole day of work, rather than a solitary trip home? Have you ever not want to go home?

Have you ever feel detached from this world? Have you ever stood in the middle of the city looking at cars and commuters brush by you, yet no one really see your existence? Have you ever wished that life would be more in depth, such that there are people who appreciate you for being in their life?

Have you ever seen the sky turn grey and be helpless that the last stretch of sunshine diminishes before you, making the day a history? Have you ever wished that you can remember each ray of light that guided you through the day, the way the fond thoughts have given you strength to live the life of today?

Have you smile at your farewell-bidding friends, only to feel the reluctance of the parting, because it's back to your own again. Have you ever been reluctant to let go of your grip and whispered "goodnight", as you see the parting blend into the darkness, and realizing that - you are once again alone?

Have you ever wondered, why are you alone in a world of billions?

Antara Anyer Dan Jakarta

2009-09-05T01:22:00.000+08:00

And this is where we will go.

"The waves roll slowly to shore like a song,
as the coconut trees sway in the breeze.
A proud moon beams above castle,
smiling as it sees the both of us.
The winds carried this love song,
a million star twinkle in the skies,
as two of us willingly blend into
this scenery."

Antara Anyer dan Jakarta
kita jatuh cinta
Antara Anyer dan Jakarta
Kisah cinta tiga malam
kan ku ingat selamanya
Antara Anyer dan Jakarta

Greatest Architect

2009-09-02T23:04:00.008+08:00

Over a simple dinner today, a conversation was engaged on architecture - the history, the modernization and an elaboration on the greatest building works in the modern world. These were all alien to me because as a linguist myself, the only construction I know, would be how to build words, and not actual, concrete frameworks. There were then opinions of who the greatest architects were. From the world renowed Geoffrey Bawa to the acclaimed Antonia Gaudi, names were being recited.

When I was asked for my opinions, I hesititated and then told them -

"The greatest architect in our civilization in my opinion, is not one who designs and builds the grandest buildings, nor one who turns stones into great infrastructures in the yesteryears, neither is one who creates a new myraid of architectonics beyond imagination of the human mind.

The greatest architect is the very person who builds dreams for another person and making these dreams come true. This architect designs the most aesthetical thoughts and love, then bestows them upon another, in doing so, constructs a sense of belonging and a feeling of being loved in the other person.

This architecture to me, surpasses all the superficial great works in the physical world, which the infrastructure of warmth and care weaved and constructed, is more magnificent than even the great Pyramids of ancient Egypt or the Burj in modern Dubai."

There were frowns and funny faces after I have shared my sentiments. Before another word was spoken, I continued -

"I know and affirm my opinion, because one of the most spectacular architectures, had been built in me - in one of the beautifully made Septembers , sometime in the past."

September

2009-09-01T00:00:00.002+08:00

And here we close August to move into September - where a new bud bloomed into a history of fond memories.

September will always be a very special month to me. It is a month where life made a change for me and I was made to see a different path of where life led me.

It all happened in September.

If I Never Knew You

2009-08-28T17:53:00.002+08:00

"I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through...
Empty as the sky, never knowing why,
lost forever, if I never knew you"

I am always very touched when I watch this segment of the Disney Animation, Pocahontas. Many a times, we wonder if things would be better if we hadn't met people in our lives and then asked the question "if...". Maybe we have forgotten, that every person in our life makes it happen the way it did, it does and it will do - especially people closest to your heart, be it your family, your kins or your chosen love one. There is no right or wrong to life having people to meet fatefully. It is our choice to decide if there is magic in the meeting and live it the way it should, by appreciation, understanding, compromising and with all that it can say, love.

The Little Things

2009-08-27T16:24:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it is the little things that people share with each other, that create the best memories in life - and not exactly those great moments which many claimed were unforgettable or touches people's lives. A crazy looking sketch of a bird, a bombastic burp, a silly riddle or even simply offering you a piece of bite-size left over croissant, are usually the little things that seal our lives in one complete piece, at least in mine.

If I should choose to remember things that make my life worth living, it will be those silly riddles, those "let's share a cake", those crazy drawings to make me laugh, and after meal burps - the little things in life, that made mine complete.

Caterpillar

2009-08-25T08:47:00.015+08:00

While waiting for my ride to an anticipated dinner at the bus stop, I saw a little caterpillar on the ground, attacked by an army of ants. The wretched thing twisted from left to right haplessly as the ants started their attack on their new found palate. As I watched nature take its course. the caterpillar seemed to cry out to me for help, because there was incidentally no one else of its kind at the particular moment to be of aid. I hesitated - touching a filthy caterpillar was not really a wise thing to do prior to dinner. However, the urge to help the creature kept resounding in my mind and it did not seem to come from its cry, but from something beyond me - a Greater being, who put compassion in my heart the day I was born.

Thus, I extended my hands, picked up the caterpillar, removed the few ants etched to it, and slowly placed it on a leaflet on a bush behind the bus stop. The little creature wriggled a little, then continued its way to a better shelter for the night.

After the simple ordeal, I felt good. Not that I have done good to another living being - but I answered a calling at that moment, a calling that was born into me. And it is a privilege to be able to be a chosen one, at that moment, to be the angel of a creature which was in need. Sometimes it takes the biggest angel to bring the tiniest comfort and happiness to any being. Hence, I have learnt never to take it for granted whenever I receive a reason to smile or to enjoy a dose of bliss.

I hope to see a new butterfly or moth flutter around my neighbourhood soon. I know it will be a most lovely one.

Of Fasting

2009-08-23T16:53:00.004+08:00

"...I hope you are able to pull some time to rest at home today, and spend some time on yourself the way I did for myself yesterday. Well I have to. We all need to get used to the fasting regime . And it was not a difficult feat, just need to get used to it before work commences tomorrow. I am sure it will not pose a problem.

And you may say, there is no need for me to - but to me it isn't a religious practice that I choose to do so. I choose to go through life the same pace you would, and then to taste the sweetness, the bitterness and in this case, the part of experience in life you go through for your faith. And of course, if there is a Greater Being up there, and He would appreciate my 'efforts' a little and have it converted to goodwill, then I hope the goodwill will be given as safety, happiness and peace to you in return.

There aren't many things that life allows us to achieve together. So let this be one, and at the end of it, we just celebrate it with a smile, that we have lived this part of life together ok? ...."

Because of Me

2009-08-22T10:37:00.000+08:00

Because of reasons pertaining significantly on me, decisions were made to shelf a dream away. And on and about, the pity of losing the golden opportunity by the decision repeatedly haunts me. While it is a good feeling that someone treasures you so much that other big things in life, like dreams and aspirations can be put aside, but now, after a few moments, I began to feel that I am a hindrance and obstacle, instead of being a compliment - which I should be.

It was a nice rainy night, yet my eyes were only momentarily shut. I wished I had the open-mindedness to affirm the decision more positively. It is too late now. And all I can do, is to shoulder a sense of guilt and not the least, one of the biggest regret I have lately.

Prambanan Temple

2009-08-21T13:39:00.006+08:00

"I dreamt we were at Prambanan and a tourist's kid
stole my bag and broke my credit card."

Have you ever appeared in another person's dream? Over the past week, I appeared twice in the same person's dream, and we were both indulged in the things we enjoy and places we wanted to go. While the dreams may sound funny at times, to me, the privilege to appear in someone's dream is an indicating of you living in his or her memory, and that even in the subconscious state, the worth of yourself in his or her memory is being illuminated by the actual presence.

It is a wonderful feeling to wake up and then check your phone only to be told, you appeared in your love one's dreams. It makes me feel very important and that the day has already made its worth for me to live it happily.

And yes of course, we will head to Prambanan Temple, and look at the temple - only this time, I will not let anyone take your bag or break your credit card. The only things that will be taken away from you, will be your worries, stress and unhappiness.

We will go back to Yogjakarta soon. I promise you.

Email on 18 August 2009

2009-08-18T09:08:00.011+08:00

Hi love,

Hope you have had a good sound sleep. It's such a nice morning to wake up to, especially when I had a really nice dream.

I dreamt that we were in a fishing village, you know, like that of those we saw in Malaysia, and we were at a food stall by the side of the road. Not exactly a nice cafe, just a food stall under a wooden structure. You were reading your favourite magazines while I was smacking houseflies while waiting for lunch to arrive. There were no other people around and the only people were the restaurant staff.

The food took forever to arrive, and you were a little impatient. I would be too, just that I had the special qualities of being patient in the dream. Then I told you not to fret, let me play you a tune. Instead of pulling a violin or a viola from the bag which I would think I am most competent in playing any song for you, I pulled out a silvery flute. It was a very nice flute. Then I played a song for you - and perhaps in dreams everything can be perfect - there was even an orchestral accompaniment!

After the tune, you were elated. You clapped and said you were so proud of me. I was very happy. Whenever you are, I would be. Then I put the flute back into the bag and I woke up.

In reality, I never knew how to do the woodwinds. My music lecturers in the Uni said my lipping was no good and the pre-conditions were not favourable for me if I do the flute or piccolo. Hence I put them aside and never revisit them until last night in the dream. But I tell you, I will never forget the happiness you showed in the dream when I played the flute for you. And I want it to come true. So give me some patience and time, I will make it a reality for you, and learn how to play the flute, and this song in my dream. Then tell me again, you are proud of me.

It is always so nice to have you in my dreams, even in a small, insignificant fishing village, the memory is so vivid and beautiful, and what I wouldn't give to relive them all again. This is a part of you which will never diminish in me.

Have a great Tuesday and you are always fondly in thoughts.

Yours,
ABC

A Cup of Coffee

2009-08-17T15:15:00.005+08:00

Siting by the glass window and looking at the rain pelt on the world can be a very therapeutic experience. As I take some time to sip the coffee at hand, I suddenly realised it was such an excellent cup of coffee. And I was a little astonished that I have never known that despite having it every morning.

Every morning, this cup of coffee sees me through work. My regular sips while doing my daily emailing, paperwork and proposals helped me to stay focused and adding on to that, it more than often took away my hunger pangs if I sweetened it a little.

Today, I didn't do any of those office chores while drinking the coffee. I merely sat down and looked at the dribbling rain drops. And while doing nothing, I tasted the coffee as it is. And I found out, it is very different from what it tasted like in the past. I began to wonder why.

Then I realised, it was not about the coffee. It has always remained as a constancy. The variable is the factor that made the coffee tasted better. And this variable, is that today, I was mindful that I am having this cup of coffee. In the past weeks, the coffee was only a side-kick, never made its way significant to my palate even when I had several sips over and over again. Today I drank the coffee knowing I am drinking the coffee. Thus, I was able to enjoy the true flavour of the coffee. And this made the difference.

Sometimes we do many things without realising that certain things need a closer touch in order that we can receive their magic. Things, chores and even people, deserves our mindfulness. Only then we can punctuate our lives, make it stop for a moment and enjoy the sequence, the environment, the people and the emotions given to us at their true essence.

The next time a friend calls you, stop your emailing, halt your work, sit back and listen to his or her morning greeting and regards. You will realise, it can bring you a genuine smile.

A New Day

2009-08-15T09:29:00.006+08:00

I stopped writing entries for a while not because I was very ill nor was I very busy, and not that I was not in town for a long time. I went through a short period when I was down and negative with life. I realised I was not in the best form to do so, to spread negative messages to those who followed this blog or chanced upon it.

This morning, as I sat alone in the ward, I have decided to do something which I have taken for granted for very long - to thank God that I am given a new day to live - whether happily, stressfully or painfully, I am given a new day to pursue more happiness, and more importantly, to continue or rectify whatever that was left undone. And to me, this is the reason for each brand new day granted to me.

So I thank God in this note, for allowing me to wake up, and see the world exist differently in each new day, to create memories with my loved one, enjoy the blessing of my family, the receive the gift of my friends and most of all, remember that this brand new day is given to me because of a reason - and the reason is to be written by me.

And I thank God for a beautiful Saturday morning. I will cherish every brand new day.

Turning Back

2009-08-11T00:52:00.001+08:00

ABConsistency says: what im trying to tell you is, it doesnt matter how others think of you but it matters how you see yourself, when you look back in the future because by then there is no turning back.

Snake eyes (GIJOE) says: i know i will keep in mind.

ABConsistency says: wait!

ABConsistency says: i take back my words - no. for everything, there is always a turning back. its a matter whether you dare for yourself or not.

Snake eyes (GIJOE) says: I don't think so, not everything can turn back. like you kill an animal for the wrong reason, you cannot bring it back to life.

ABConsistency says: turning back doesnt mean bringing it back to life. if you do not kill animals for the same wrong reasons ever again, this is turning back. you continue your journey but in a way, you have moved back to where it rightfully should be. this is to me, turning back.

星月

2009-08-07T16:56:00.005+08:00

It's national day soon. Since I will be away, here's a national day song for everyone. National day is a time when you remember your homeland, but without friends, kins and loved one around you, homeland is nothing but a place. Give your fondest thoughts to these people in your life. Homeland will always be there, but not them.

Remembering the stars across Pulau Tioman and the rising moon over Lombok island. These are my stars and my crescent moon.

星月
(Click title to listen)

在你怀中一起成长我的世界我的梦想
Growing up together in your embrace created my world and my aspirations

每次向天空仰望星光闪耀月儿弯
Every time I look at the skies, I saw the shimmering stars accompanied by the crescent moon

牵引无穷尽的幻想在我心中迎风昂然飘扬
Guided by the endless fantasy, swaying in the wind within my heart

我的梦让我勇敢是你给我力量
I am courageous because I have a dream, and it is you who gave me the strength

* **星月照亮我前方一路上永远有希望
The stars and the moon brighten my journey, safeguarding my hopes along the way

像明灯一盏越暗越是明亮
Like the illuminating lamp, the darker it is, the brighter it will be

星月照亮我前方于是我拥有信心和温暖
The stars and the moon illumine my way, so that confidence and warmth will always be with me

愿一切与你分享星月常伴
And I am willing to share the company of the stars and moon with you ** ***

在你光辉中我成长我的朋友我的家园
Together with my friends and my homeland, I grow up in your shimmer

飞得多远心中依然星光闪耀月儿弯
No matter how far I will be, I will always remember the sparkle of the stars and the crescent moon

童年无穷尽的理想在我天空迎风昂然飘扬
My endless childhood aspirations sway with wind in the skies before me

每个梦让我勇敢是你给我力量
Every dream makes me courageous because you gave me strength

*

*** 我的梦星月常伴
My dreams will always be accompanied by the stars and the moon

Conversation At the Taxi Stand

2009-07-27T23:32:00.005+08:00

I sat on the bench for the past 2 hours in front of the shop. On the 2.5th hour, the shopkeeper pulled down grill and shut her shopfront. Then she sat down beside me. on the 2.75th hour, my phone rang. With all excitement, I started a conversation.

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault that you were held up."

Then I continued, "No, I didn't wait very long. I'm now at the taxi stand."

"No no, I just sat down here only. Don't worry."

"See you in a minute!"

The lady looked at me, slightly puzzled. Then she broke into a quick conversation.

"You didn't just sit down here only, did you? I saw you from inside. You were here since 7pm and it's almost 10 now. You were here for almost 3 hours", she said.

I smiled at her and told her it didn't matter.

"Sometimes there is a need to tell a white lie, especially when it makes another person feel less guilty of things he or she did not willingly do", I explained.

She told me I need to let whoever on the phone know the truth because I did amass the patience to sit on the bench, did nothing for 3 whole hours before the phone rang and that the person should be aware of this so that there wouldn't be a next time.

"Patience is a gift from me to someone I love dearly. As long as the end of the day, we receive a reunion and a chance to meet again, a few hours of waiting is worth all its while." And this was and is how I felt.

She turned and smiled and me, then told me I am a very good person. And, the person on the phone, was very fortunate to have a person like me, waiting in that person's life.

I did not concur, not because I tried to be humble, but because in the first place, I was the lucky one who receive the presence of that person in my life, and I am merely cherishing it very very deeply. And incidentally, patience is something I chose, in return for this blessing.

The rain did not stop. But I was picked up when the conversation ended. I waved her goodbye. She smiled and bade me farewell.

Imperfections

2009-07-26T10:56:00.003+08:00

"In the end,
is these small things that you remember,
the little imperfections,
that make them perfect for you."